The Mirror Will Be My Friend One Day

"Before Im with anybody, I want to not give a fuck.
Because if you learn to not give a fuck when you're with somebody, they have all of the power."
-yours truly.


I am a member of the female species. There are certain undeniable and inevitable things that come along with being a female. Insecurities dominate our gender because of many things, mostly though because of societal structures and those memebers of the opposite sex. I'm not going to sit here and point fingers at anybody for the insecurities us females hold collectively along with those that I hold personally. Insecurities are what they are. They are just another obstacle in life that we have to learn to defeat. For some it is more difficult than others, but its a struggle nonetheless. The insecurities I hold as a female, in terms of my looks, personality, etc, are just another aspect of my life that I have to learn to cope with and eventually get over. I want to be able to say that I love every aspect of myself but as I get older, and wiser, and learn things about the world around me, I am slowly comming to the realization that I may never be completely comfortable with all aspects of myself. 


There are weeks when I'm completely comfortable with myself. I call these weeks good body weeks. Those are the best. They are the times when I can look in the mirror and appreciate all of my curves, imperfections, and blemishes all as components that make up  who i am. Other weeks i struggle, with the image of myself that is reflected back at me in the mirror. Thoughts like "what if I didn't have this" or" what if this were gone" or "maybe i should work on eating one meal a day this week and see how much weight I can lose" . All of these are things that pass through my mind during those low times. But through it all, there is always that tiny, almost inaudible voice in the back of my head that is telling me that I should not be thinking this way, and that its ridiculous to starve myself in order to make myself feel better when i gaze into an object that shows me a reflection. 


Sitting there, you may judge me and think that I am an insecure person and maybe I am, but I'm going to be slightly "childish" and say WHO ISN'T? The main problem with insecurities and bad body images, that I see with the female gender is that a lot of times it has to do with how we are viewed by the opposite sex. Men are extremely cut throat and honest when it comes to what they like and what they don't like. The idea of what is Attractive and what is Non attractive is everywhere around us. And it leads females to alter themselves drastically in order to feel "comfortable" in their own skin around others. I am completely fine, wearing not a slight bit of makeup when I am alone, yet in order to feel "comfortable" in..the world, I always have to throw SOMETHING on before I leave my room. Girls do it everyday. For some its more extreme than others, but every girl has insecurities. 


The comfortablity that arises due to the alterations that one makes to one's body is so fake and superficial and a lot of the time that it turns into a viscious cycle. Adhering to the societal standards that make us want to alter our bodies eats away at any possiblity of pure confidence that we may gain because it is overshadowed by the false sense of comfortablilty that arises from us NOT being ourselves and not LIKING ourselves.


Insecurity is one of the most dangerous aspects of humanity. I say this because, low self-esteem as a result of insecurities ends up being a one way street for many girls and when a male figure decides to travel down this one way street, the results can be painfully dangerous. If that male figure, decides to take a turn down another street, leaving that insecure one way street abandoned, self-esteem is apt to turn from low to nonexistant. 


this is when we see those girls who fall in love hard and fast with any guy who shows them an ounce of attention. The latch on and hold on for dear life, failing to realize that Men are not stupid, and they can see right through us 95% of the time. Its like, insecurity sends off hormonal signals into the air and those males who smell it out and seek out the owners know. They know what type of girl you are, they know what they could get away with, and most of the time they know that they have to get in and get out before insecurty takes over and you turn into a leech. 


I refuse to be one of those girls, who sits there and waits for a man to make her feel better. My insecuritie are just that..MINE. I refuse to let a male, solve this issue for me, and I refuse to allow myself to slip into that almost irrevocable hole that is low-self esteem. I have a lot to work on, and a lot of hate to rid myself of, but its almost like subconsciously, well consciously now, I won't allow myself to get into anything that would force me to have my emotions tied to another person because my insecurities will no doubt make themselves known.


Self will, and forced confidence is how I have made it thus far without attaining any serious eating disorders, or turn to alternative modes of self therapy. I would be lying if I said I never tried diet pills, and facial masks, of if I said i never replaced a meal with 2 or 3 cigarretes because they cut off appetites. But there are times, for me it was this past summer, when you just aren't happy with yourself. I vow, to be happy WITH MYSELF before I am happy with ANYBODY else. The love I am capable of giving even at times when I don't love myself is monumental and ALMOST scary. I can just imagine what I am capable of if I were to learn to love myself one hundred percent of the time. I am going to make somebody extremely and utterly happy one day, and that thought alone is enough to put a smile on my face. Although I am not unhappy with myself, persay, I'm a girl, and I have insecurities. I face them everyday, and let them know that I am ready to defeat them and move on, that way they will never win. I'm a stubborn person, and i will not waver in this battle. The mirror WILL BE my friend one day.