::Tugging::.

Unconventional lovers.
...met in an unfamiliar familiar place.
unusual circumstances and smoothly sailing ridiculous plans
it was meant to be. Why else would they be in this random place with all of these random people at the same time in that moment in time?

Consistancy is consistent with them.
Always there, even after a long time.
Receptions... always begrudgingly welcome
smiles, kisses, hot drunk sex...one time.

its been some time now, and he's still here knocking at my door.
I peeked my head out and met him with that usual smile
Welcoming him, but keeping him at arms length at the same time.
I had to interrogate him for awhile, couldn't just let him into my house.
What do you really want?...real question is why am I so scared...we're the workings of a brilliant entity, complementing eachother in every single way...

I am old enough..

I am old enough to know now that good things come to those who wait.
I am old enough to know now that long roads usually have good things at the end.
I am old enough to know that effort brings success.
I am old enough to know that hard work pays off.
I am old enough to know that <> us valuable and precious, you can't get it back.
I am old enough to realize that the endless capabilities of the human race will be the end of the human race.
I am optamistic enough to think that one less fallen victim to the blinding and dangerous effects of these capabilities slows down the process.
I am old enough now to realize that just because you can doesnt mean you should.
I am old enough now to realize that because you should, you can.

Pretty basic. I guess you could say I was aware of all these things, but haven't been able to truly appreciate them for what they are yet. I am old enough now to realize that just because you think you know doesn't mean you do.

::..We Are Doomed..::

We are doomed.

What happened to those days of writing a girl you liked a love letter professing your love or interest in her? What happened to those days of mustering up all of your courage to ask a girl’s daddy if you could take his daughter out to lunch after church on Sunday? All that courage to ask had to have meant you REALLY liked her. What happened to courting, and girls never saying yes at first attempt? What happened to girls envisioning the lives of her children as well as herself with the man she was considering going out to lunch with on Sunday? What happened to when things were so hard, lives were easily genuine. 

I'm a product of my era. Most of time is spent on networking sites, from the top of the pyramid to the bottom.

.Facebook

.Twitter.Blogger.Aim.

And so have my peers. Our lives can undoubtedly be pieced together with repeated glances of us portraying ourselves publicly with the help of a keyboard and mouse pad. Nothing that once was private is private anymore. We tell others about things from how we woke up in our beds that morning to whom we want to have sex with now. Our relationship troubles are broadcasted for everyone to see via newsfeeds. We're together, and I'm in love" quickly turns to "I hate you, you ruined my life" a few days later. Little lovers quarrels like this turn into heart wrenching breakups because you get influenced by the false portrayal of your status that have been elicited by your friends. Small things are placed underneath a microscope for everyone to analyze, pass judgment on and construct an idea of you they so strongly believe in. We let out our feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, and embarrassment...every emotion you could possibly think of or feel, through these portals that have been created. How can I form a close relationship with you if you already have an idea of who you think I am? Without a chance, I can't change the conviction you feel towards the idea of me you have formulated. 

I’ve always been a loner. The type of kid to stay in her room and read books all day, People like me don’t like others knowing our whereabouts, and tiny tid bits of information about us. We like our privacy, and let our personalities serve as surprise factors for those who take the time to –see- us.

Those days of really loving someone before you married them...seem to be vanishing before our eyes, and I know if they were to ever come back it would be a long time from now. I'm too much of a free-spirited conventional and practical person to be forced to live under a microscope. I like to roam freely, with no eyes on me. It pains me to think of the different components of facebook that people can put together into a mediocre representation of me that would never give justice to the true person I am. Some may say that you have to not care what anybody thinks of you, and I say that we're human, we couldn't change it if we wanted to, we all care. If not to everybody, somebody.... we care about somebody's way of thinking of ourselves. I care about multiple people's way of thinking of me. How can I even BEGIN to change your opinion of me if I just reinforce your thoughts on a daily basis. I am not going to sit over here and bitch and moan about people not knowing the real me when I give them reasons not to. I am a strong woman, things like this contradict the distinct person I am.

Of course you are going to like somebody if it is harder to get to know them. Who doesn’t like a nice prize at the end of a long journey…it makes it all worthwhile. How are friendships supposed to be real if you see your “friend” morph in and out of personalities based on who they are interacting with via Internet and how they interact in person? We misinterpret our inborn predisposition to be shy in person as merely a mask to cover up the ugly face of fake interaction via the Internet. We put ourselves in compromising situations, and many of us place ourselves under the influence of various substances in order to have an excuse to act variably in the presence of so many that have seen the many, many heads of your “personality”. The odds are against me already and many people are preprogrammed towards the notion of not giving me a chance, and not opening their eyes to the soul that lies within this shell. I will not be an aid in this blatant attack at my quality of life and future interactions with people. If anything I will force you to get to know me, if not because you want to, but because you very well can’t help yourself. 
.Curiosity is a bitch.

Eyes

There is something to be said about somebody who looks everyone they interact with in the eyes. Its like telling them to look into your soul, openeing the window and letting them peep in. People can''t help but to appreciate this.

I am going to start looking everyone in the eyes, and see how my life changes just by this small gesture. I've been practicing, and I just need to keep reminding myself....because I'v avoided eyes for a very long time.

We're Mackin on Facebook now?

After I was told to copywrite my stuff before I made it public, I thought of what I would want to copyright and I haven't come up with anything good enough to copyright. But tonight, I wrote an amazing piece that I want to go places. I will copyright it. Whatever the process may be. 

Sidenote....I don't think I have to mention how much I love writing so, I've decided that..My tax refund money will go towards my dream. :)

♥

Fake.

So fake.

Jealousy, you don't hide it well

You use others to climb to the top, conversations have no substance.

Looks, they matter, we have mentors, in our age group?

We can't find what to wear, so we go to her facebook page

We pretend to be friends, so we don't look like we don't have any

If that's what a friend is, I don't want one.

We cover our jealousy with a huge smile.

and say...its whatever...bitch you know you hate her.

For what?

Why feel that way?

I'm past it, ten steps ahead of everybody, I see the road ahead and what it entails. 

I'll prepare myself now.

These games you be playin, being fake, so fake that your like a piece of plastic I could burn with a cheap bic ligher. I'll watch you melt.

Real talk though, if that's the type of person you want to be...

If you'd rather look past someone's eyes towards the routes and avenues they can put you on instead of looking into their eyes and seeing where they could end up with you, helping you to grow and be a better person...that's the life you choose, and that's the beauty of life, we have choices. 

i choose to be real, happy, think ten steps ahead and not sweat the small stuff. Inlusion is overrated, and the cost is climbing. 

Life hasn't afforded me enough cheddar to spend it on stupid shit like this.

::..::

Cozy.content

drink.

valentine

love...him..falling

dissappointment

tumble.

walls...building

fall in love..so easy

babies.family.life.

♥

.Its been a year.

Wow. Today is February 14th. Besides it being the obvious..., yes, it is valentine's day, something more monumental is signified by this date. I have been celibate for a year. The last time I had sex was a year ago....Now those that know me know that for a freak like me, this was not an easy feat. A full year....WOW.


Last year around this time I was into the full swing of the second semester of my freshman year in college. Being wreckless was normal behavior. I had broken up with my boyfriend of two years the summer before freshman year and I was looking to have all aspects of the college experience. I started to lose myself, and before I knew it I was doing and saying things I said I would never do or say.


People always ask me why I decided to be celibate and  alot of the time I just give them a generic answer because I never felt like going into detail about it. But honestly, its because I'm not that kind of girl. Not to say anything against girls who have casual sex, or sex with someone they just merely like, I'm just not wired that way. I need to have commitment, and strong feelings, as well as trust before I can effectively have sex with somebody. Translation: I need to be in a committed relatinship. I realize that I'm in college and part of being in college means that you have fun and do things that you probably won't be able to do after you graduate and that you were never able to do prior. But, I choose to exclude myself from the casual fuck club lol . I never feel good about myself afterwards, and I always think of it as a waste of time.I don't like feeling like shit for anybody, and if I have sex with somebody one day and I see him mackin on another girl at a party the next day, I feel angry, ashamed, lonely, & not worthy & I'm not afraid to admit it.... So, why put myself in that position? I refuse to let anybody make me feel that way for 10-15 minutes of enjoyment. 


A nut last 10-15 seconds, not to be explicit but....i mean on average that's how long it lasts! So, why oh why would I engage in that type of behavior with a man who cares nothing about me, nothing about my beauty, my intelligence, and all the other qualities that are components of me. Its not worth it to me. To me, sex is overrated when its not with somebody you care about and who cares about you. 


Girls want to sit there and say they don't care, "you just have to think like a nigga" who are you kidding? You care, that's how we were built. You feel. You just choose to not feel. That's why everyone stays fuckin with those people who repeatedly do them wrong, or dudes who they've seen do other people wrong, and pretend to not care when they are pushed aside. You care. Of course you care, and maybe you are a stronger woman than me because you can repeatedly deal with those tiny blows at your emotions. You got that... As for me, my emotions are secure I'm okay with being by myself...


People ask me since its been a year, when I plan on having sex again...and My answer to them is that on this day one year ago I set a goal for myself and I achieved it. I plan on continuing this current pattern because its been a year, but I'm still single, and I've yet to find someone who is worth it, so I will be celibate until then. I will not have sex unless it is worth it, and it takes a lot for it to be worth it. It'll be hard but I've come this far, why quit now? I have a good head on my shoulders, my judgement is never clouded, and I can weed out the bad seeds real quick, once I pull the celibacy card they head for the hills...and I just laugh and smile to myself, like 'you weren't worth my time anyways". I've got my shit together, and I know what I want/need/deserve. I am a strong woman, and I refuse to shed this persona for anybody. I will continue to be strong and do what is best for me...and when that right person comes along, it'll all be worth it. Patience is a virtue. :) 

I have writers block

I have things in my mind
That I want to write
But it won't come out .....right
And it hate it
Because I love to write
But right now
I can't
And its jus so difficult
like pulling teeth

maybe its because its 3am. and i have a psychopharmacology test tomorro.
lol yeah... thats it.

just be.

Why do the rules of engagement exist? Why is it that we can never simply like somebody and express our feelings towards them freely without the need to premeditate all the different courses of action you are going to take with eachother. We premeditate how we are going to talk to them, how we are going to interact with them, the kinds of things we are going to wear and even how we are going to interact with others around them. So much thinking. So many games...and when two people who are experts at these games come together, the games are endless.

Why do we complicate things for ourselves so much. Why can't anything just be? I would be naiive to say that these games do not make things a bit more exciting, its almost as if true love is gauged on how well two people can play games with eachother and both end up winning.

We've complicated things so much for ourselves trying to please everyone. Because lets face it these games sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, are a result of us trying to uphold our image or trying to make sure the other person doesn't have the upper hand...we can't ever let things just be...

I'm all for letting things just be..

.Relationships.

After a conversation on relationships I felt compelled to write down my thoughts...naturally.


I think people these days are way too quick to get into relationships. Now, I don't think that there should be a time limit for how long two people are talking before they make it official because quite frankly everybody is different, but I do think that people get so caught up in their emotions and the excitement of liking somebody else that they forget to look ahead. Its a natural thing. Its natural for us to have a picture in our heads about what we think a particular relationship is going to be like when we are talking to somebody. Everyone lets their minds wander into what they think will be the future and they envision various things with that person, most of it being good. Because after all, who likes to think negative about something they are about to get themselves into. But a lot of people fail to realize that relationships take work, and there WILL be rough times, there will be times when you can't stand eachother, and there will be times when that person turns you off. That right there is the reason why many couples don't make it. Its those unforseen difficulties that catch people off guard and cause them to get off the horse. Before a relationship occurs, both people need to understand that by being with eachother they are making a commitment to make things work. You don't have to be in love with somebody to be willing to make it work. Of course being in love does help the situation monumentally because there is another driving force behind your decision to stay and tough it out with somebody, but I believe that the want to work things out should come PRIOR to entrance into a relationship. These are things that a lot of people, especially young people refuse to think about because honestly, it makes things a lot more difficult and everyone looks for the easy way around things. Relationships are serious, why commit yourself to something when you are just going to give up when it gets hard. You as well just stay single to be quite honest.

There are certain aspects of a relationship that can be predicted, because in the end we are all just animals and when two animals get together, there are inevitable and predictable outcomes. However, we are also all different in our own ways, that being said, obviously there are things that are going to arise, both good, and bad, that cannot be predicted, because every relationship is unique in itself, because every relationship is the result of two distinct individuals getting together. The ingredients aren't quite the same for every relationship.

Knowing this, people should be aware that things ARE going to change. I hate hearing people say that things aren't the same as it was in the begining of a relationship. Of course not, if I were to be in a relationship with somebody and it stayed the same for an extended amount of time I would be concerned. Part of being in a relationship is knowing that thing will change, some things will get routine, and redundant, and things that used to matter won't matter anymore. The impact of many things such as your significant other's looks will fade, and you will get used to it. Sex eventually will become routine, of course there are things you can do to spice it up but it will be routine nonetheless, two people can only get so creative. Love, if it happens, is only a component of what makes a relationship a lasting one. Too often people try to fit their relationship into that box of definitions of known components: Love, trust, honesty,communication etc..but its deeper than that. There are undefinable, and unexplainable, but altogether present, aspects in a relationship that are important in order for it to be a success....

Basically, what I'm saying is why get into a relationship if you aren't trying/willing/want to make it last. Those things aren't just things that happen when you are in love. Relationships are serious, and I think that people are taking them way too lightly and ignoring the responsibilities, and the array of implicit understandings and commitments that come as a result of saying you belong to somebody and having somebody belong to you...that's not something that anybody should ever take lightly, but unfortnuately I see it all around me everyday...hence why I'm still single. lol

:)

I am a walking contradiction

Today I let my mind wander, just let my thoughts flow freely because I was itching to write, and I couldn't think of anything of substance I wanted to write about...and as always when I let my mind wander, i began to ask myself..
Who..the fuck..am I?


Answer:
I am the culmination of things that typically don't go together. -I- am a walking contradiction, an oxymoron.., Do not be like so many in this world who have tried to categorize me. In a recent post I shed light upon the fact that I don't easily and readily form close relationships with people. I think this is mostly due to the fact that not many people can grasp all the components of me. It takes a very special person to be able to see that: 


I love music, tattoos, piercings, art, poetry, WRITING.
but. i also..
I love learning, helping people, medicine, surguries, blood, cut off fingers...the smell of hospitals, and scrubs.


I love all of these things, and I'm sick of people telling me that they do not go together. 
Society says that I have to choose between my loves, but i refuse. Life already provides heartbreak for me. I am sure that there is unforseen heartbreak in my future, just as a result of me being a living human being, so why would I provide my -own- self with heartbreak by choosing. Why would I ignore or give up any single one of my loves just because society tells me that they do not belong together. 


I am not naiive. and I realize that whether I like it or not, other people do have a say in how far I go in life, and how successful I end up being. I play a big role, but my role isn't the only one. So of course there will be some compromising on my part. That neck tattoo I've always wanted probably won't happen, but the hip, and the back, and the ribs, they will happen, because I can and will wear a lab coat that covers them all....


Some days I will have to study instead of writing, even though I really really want to write.
 And other days, I will write instead of studying because ...I really really want to write.
Some days, I will play music as I do my homework, but some days I may have to set aside my headphones and focus on that particular paragraph in my textbook that I've been staring at but not absorbing for the last 20 minutes.
One day, I may decide I want to get my wrist pierced...who the fuck cares, holes close up, I can take them out later....


I am my own person. One in an infinity. Don't tell me that I CAN'T do something because my priorities are out of line. Maybe it is YOUR priorities you need to check up on because last time I checked one of the major priorities of life is LOVE. and I REFUSE to live a less than full and satisfying existance because others tell me that the things I love don't go together. 
.Get The Fuck Out Of Here With That Shit. 


10 years from now I will be succesful, with a huge family, and a big enough house for all of us to live comfortably even with a few guests. I will have tattoos, the ones I plan on getting over the next year, along with a tribute to my children. Some of my piercings will be long gone, and others will still be going strong. I will continue to love music, new, old, indie, underground, foreign. Music will always be there. && I will always write, forever. 


Life isn't perfect, and I know that mine won't be. That much, I know, but I also know that nobody ever thinks something can be done, until it is actually done. I will do it. 








That being said, It will take a strong, unique, and maybe nonexistant man to love && deal with my
people analyzing,
music loving
tattoo and peircing having
surgery watching
..forever writing
contradictory of a person
self. 

Its the little things...

On new years day I sent out a mass text to some of the people in my phone. Being the writer that I am, I attempted to include some words of wisdom, and a message that I felt could and should be taken with them into the new year. But of course, everybody sends out mass texts on new years day so I wasn't really expecting mine to stand out....

Today, a month and two days later, as I was sitting in my Learning and Motivation classroom waiting for lecture to start, a girl that I would call an aquaintance at the most, someone who I texted mostly due to the fact that we studied for our Statistics final together, came and sat down next to me to inform me that the words I selected for that text message where written on the inside of her planner.

Wow.

...Its the little things, you never know when you are going to make an impact on somebody...words are so powerful,...more and more I am realizing that my words can, and do make a difference. I know that not everybody reads my blog, and I don't force it, I don't ask anyone to read my stuff, I put it out there knowing that I love to write, and that those who are meant to see and really understand the things I compose will...its not a popularity contest to me, all of my writing is rooted in the fact that I love to write...I love to put my thoughts down and share them with others, and when people truly appreciate my carefully chosen words, and use it for their own interpretation/growth i feel amazing. There's nothing better than sharing little pieces of your mind with others.

With that being said, God willing,.. I will write until the day I die. :)

Lol

Weezy Avatar ♥

is it bad that I think he is sexier as a creature from a distant planet that only exists in the imagination of james cameron?.....lol

Random.

Have you ever wished that there could be a day separate from the week, outside of our normal concept of time where we could just live, without worries, responsibiilities, or stress and... just be.

Come Back To The Middle.

I love India Arie

There's a Difference

Random fleeting thought...


There's a difference between being different, and trying to be different.
People trying to be other things will always be met with disappointment and unhappiness because they will never achieve that fulfillness that comes about as a result of being themselves.


Finally giving in and being yourself is like the feeling you get when you finally lay down and release all of the tension you've unknowingly built up in ur body over the course of the day. The relieving feeling almost hurts, but it hurts oh so good. Being the person you are supposed to be comes with many challenges and difficulities but who really cares, you are you and nobody can ever challenge that once its made true.


People need to learn how to just be




but before that happens
everyone has to learn how to accept-difference.
because believe it or not, its always those people who are trying to be different who are first to have something to say about someone who isn't like them.


think about it.

In The Spirit of Black History Month

I Need To Write

YES ♥

Isn't She So Cute! ♥

Love pt 1

Love is our own interpretation of those feelings we find most profound when found within the aspects of another person's personality that you value the most. Love is different to everyone. My "love" for someone i fall in love with will not be the same feeling in any way shape or form for somebody else who is in love with another person. Even people who have fallen in love with the same person will not feel the same way. Its so crazy to think about, but that's why love is so powerful, THAT is why being in love is so powerful, and is capable of making people do things they never fathomed they would do. 


Wow.


Knowing that -that- feeling will NEVER be the same as it is, if you were to no longer have that person in your life is devastating and in some cases almost impossible to deal with....which is why people strive to do whatever it takes to make it work with someone they are in love with, and to try to keep them in their lives. 


Knowing that that feeling is unique in itself and is forever attached to that person you allowed yourself to feel that way for is amazing. Knowing that that person's soul is imprinted with all of the necessary ingreedients necessary to make you feel that specific way, is catastrophically monumental...it almost hurts me to think about it.


but it must be an AMAZING feeling.
I hope i'm lucky enough to feel that way one day...