....and we didnt want to go out..SIlly Us.

The night is dead.
We have nothing to do
Get dressed we're going
I don't give a fuck
Last sip of UV
We leave.
She's fucked up
Walk to Greycliff
Run....to greycliff
fuck the bus, foster street
Party is dead
Unidentified black boy
CARL
he's so cute.
i want him.
Eagle escort
bluestone.
\my dick is shriveled
we in there.
hot.
sweaty
mad people
alcohol
mug,
supernova
beer
lots of beer
omg i want him
hot sweaty
middle
danced to slow songs
leave
shuttle, hot as fuck, mad fuckin people, he is cute too but i know he's not worth it at all
off the bus
lower for a lil
flirted
left
bud?
room
blast music. drunk white boys at door
lets go over!!!
we smoke in the common room
turn off the lights
red lights
coollest, illest chills spot
boy who deals in 208
cool as shit.
1 and a half shots
5 bowls
we're high
JASON DERUlO
chatteroulette dot com
limp dicks
girls named megan,kate,sam, i dont fuckin know, the cute one and the other one
JASON DERULO.
like shit
the boys of 323 make me realize why i am here.
college is about spontenaity, love, common inteersts, marijuana, and bringing people together. I LOVE THIS.

i love college....i love drinkin...i love smoking....i love college.

Our Deepest Fear

Our Deepest Fear is not that we are inadequate
Our Deepest Fear is that we are powerful...beyond measure.
It is not our darkness that most frightens us.
-You- playing small does not serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
Its not just in some of us its in everyone
And as we let our own lights shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence automatically liberates others.
-Nelson Mandela


This by far has to be my favorite quote of all time. I wish everyone could see it and really understand what it means.


All too often we suppress whatever it is within us that makes us special for fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, or even feeling those overwhelming emotions that are an inevitable outcome of realizing our passions.


What i find the most crazy aspect of this to be is that, it's the tiniest things that can lead to the realization of one's true passion. Its always those little thoughts in your head that you ignore and overlook because of the Biigger picture that end up being the source of your true passion. 

As much as we try to deny it, and suppress it in pursuit of the bigger picutre, our passions define who we are. That is something we cannot control but often times choose to ignore. Our characteristics and personalities right down to our mannerisms and our idiosyncracies are all manifestations of what we were placed on this earth to do/explore/engage in.

If you are passionate about something, PURSUE IT.
You only get ONE life to live DON'T let it go to waste.
Suppressing passions and desires leads to a mediocre existence.

♥ this man.

The Thickness

I love Jill Scott ♥ . She loves her body, and is open about her sexuality. She is the kind of woman that knows what she wants and won't ever settle for less. I wish all women could achieve this major defeat against society.

Lyrics.
Whoa!
She a big chick,
Big ol' legs,
Big ol' thighs,
Big ol' hips,
Big ol' ass,
Big ol' tits,

She so big!
Won’t nobody even try to reach her mind
Age 14,
Eyes green,
Young tender, supple, and fine,
Hear them,
all those oohs and ahhs slip as she lick her lips,
Oh, they want to fuck her,
The want to rub their dicks on her precious clitoris,
They want to watch them big gold titties settle and part a bit,
They want to talk about it,
Tell it,
Spread it,
Relive the conquest,
How they beat on that ass and how the knock that shit,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
To recognize that there’s more,
More underneath that thickness,
That sweet and round brown young tender thickness,

Now they like her quiet and eager,
Sweet and meagre,
Shhhhh!
Don’t you complain about my other women,
Just drop that big thick ass on my stiffness,
Make me nut all up on your gut with the quickness,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
Lift it,
Yea girl lift it,
Lift it baby,
Drop it again,
Cause I aint your tribesmen no more,
I aint your friend,
Come on girl just let me in,
Let me into all that thickness,
That sweet and round brown supple bigness,

Cause she so big won’t nobody even try to reach her mind,
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,

Let me say that again please:
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,
Cause every time she turns on the TV,
What does she see, big ol' booty,
And it don’t have nothing to do with the song,

Thus, her definition of beauty,
Thus, her definition of beauty,

Oh, oh, oh Lord,
Oh Lord,
Oh Lord,

Let her,
Let her recognize the magnificence you've created,
Lift her,
Lift her,
Lift her,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,
Lord, Lord,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,

Cause she is so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated

Ps. I'm Weird.

Ps. I am slowly comming to the realization that being wierd is not a bad thing at all. There are other wierd people out there. All wanting mental stimulation as I do. The things I do no doubt can be considered wierd and I feel as though the people 'they" see is someone I have carefully constructed and molded to cover my true essence for fear that I am not normal. But if there are two things that I am slowly comming to the realization of it is that I am both wierd and ready to show my true personality and do things because they are pleasing to me above all else. Als, it seems to be that in my mind I am destined for some sort of greatness and all of the confusion I've been feeling of late are here temporarlily. I WILL BE GREAT. If I could write for the rest of my life, I really do feel like I would be content. 


It has been right in front of my face my whole life. I am not normal. Its taken me this long to turn around and stare this fact in the face. I just hope it doesn't take me as long to figue out just exactly what this weirdness means. For now, I am going to EMBRACE MY WEIRDNESS.




Maybe my fear of embracing myself however wierd I may be stems from the idea that maybe I won't like myself. But honestly, I don't like myself being afraid to be the person that I truly am. Because being afraid to be the person you truly are is probably the worst feeling ever. 

Stimulation

I think my inability to form close and lasting relationships with people comes parlty from the fact that I have a passion for things that stimulate my brain in new and exciting ways. I am unable to form relationships with people who don't stimulate my brain and make me thing of things in ways i've never thought of before. All other relationships I have-excluding familial relationships are superficial essentially. If I don't want to be around someone a lot or often, it is probalby because they don't stimulate my mind. Looking at the world in life in general from all different angles and perspectives is a great thing. It is more than that, it is beautiful. Lately I've been realizing more and more that the missing object often times in my life is stimulation. I love the feeling that arises as a consequence of exploring the depths of my mind and whatever other asects of myself that make me a living entity. With all of these feelings and ideas, swimming around my head just waiting to be discovered, One of the most satisfying experiences I've had as of late have to do with discoverig that my thoughts and the way I view the world could be enhanced and changed for the better with the presence of others who are equally as motivated to explore the dangers that lie outside the box.


Reaching an understanding with someone based off of these desires and ideas is the culmination of all the good feelings a person feels in the time spand of a month. I begin to feel dead inside when I do not feel the motivtion and desire that are characteristic of the rush I get when I discover something about my everyday life that I so causally have overlooked in my 20 years of existence. Subsequent evaulations of these everday phenomenon lead me to ask hoards of questions all begingin with the words "what if" and followed b explanations full of "and thens" and "maybes" with a few "buts" sprinkled in there to keep things interesting and to cover all the baeses. 


There are so many things in the world left to be thought about. Use your imagination to think of the things nobody has ever thought of before. No matter how crazy,ridiculous or insane. Ideaas are ideas and nothing great has ever been deciphered or discovered without the formulation of ideas.

I felt this way once.

When I look back at the things I wrote in my times of depression, I think of how far I've come and all of the things that have allowed me to move on and to work towards being myself. I love it that I choose to write whenever I'm feeling any type of emotion, because I can always go back and read the things I wrote and be either happy that I felt that way at one time, or be greatful that I was able to come out of it. This next entry, was something I wrote when I was at one of the lowest points of mylife, somethng I wrote when I was feeling both confused and depressed at the same time. A time when most of my confusion came from the fact that I was in fact depressed and the feeling that I would never come out of it because I couldn't pinpoint one thing jn  particular that was making me feel this way. Now that i've come to terms with life, and am begining to figure things out, I look at this entry and I feel a little sad that I was actually feeling that way at one time, and elated at how things have turned around, and the almost overwhelming feeling that I can take control of my life, nobody is in control but me. This is me. 

Lately, I've been feeling some type of way-unhappy. For some reason I can't seem to come up with a time period in my life that I have been genuinely happy in. For some rason all I can remember are short periods of happiness followed by a lot of unhappiness. Why can't I just be happy? I'm fucking frustrtated with every aspect of my life....looks, relationships,school. Why is it that I am still faced with the fear of failure even when I know that I am trying my hardest? Why does my goal of becomming a doctror seem more and more unattainable as each day goes by? Why do I look in the mirror and have deep feelings of unsatisfaction? Why is it that I can't seem to form romantic relationships with people that don't have to do with my vagina? 


Why is my EVERY move calculated and planned? I think this may be the worst I've felt in a long time. THat along with this almost unbearable feeling of loneliness makes me feel like I'll never come out of this. I honestly don't know what triggered this, and I honestly,don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm sick and tired of acting a certain way because that's how I feel like I should be acting. Im sick of being met with disappointment within every aspect of my life. My happiness shouldn't rely on other people but a lot of times it does, and I don't know how to fix it.


Everyone is annoying me. I just want to go far far away. Escape my body and "friends"...EVERYBODY. and just leave. I need to stop doing things to please OTHER people. Sometime's I just don't understand why it is that I feel some type of way..I don't comprehend because there was a time when I was happy and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I was comfortable with ym body because I always was. How am i not now? I was happy with my performance in school because it reflected how smart I am-Now it doesn't.
I'm just not happy.




Wow.I've come along way. Reading this has showed me how much of an internal person I am. A lot of things go on in my amusement park brain, and honestly, it just seems like I have a hard time leaving it. And I don't think its a bad thing. My internalizations are represented outwardly through my writing and I make it through. <3 words, and writing. I am so greatful. 

The Mirror Will Be My Friend One Day

"Before Im with anybody, I want to not give a fuck.
Because if you learn to not give a fuck when you're with somebody, they have all of the power."
-yours truly.


I am a member of the female species. There are certain undeniable and inevitable things that come along with being a female. Insecurities dominate our gender because of many things, mostly though because of societal structures and those memebers of the opposite sex. I'm not going to sit here and point fingers at anybody for the insecurities us females hold collectively along with those that I hold personally. Insecurities are what they are. They are just another obstacle in life that we have to learn to defeat. For some it is more difficult than others, but its a struggle nonetheless. The insecurities I hold as a female, in terms of my looks, personality, etc, are just another aspect of my life that I have to learn to cope with and eventually get over. I want to be able to say that I love every aspect of myself but as I get older, and wiser, and learn things about the world around me, I am slowly comming to the realization that I may never be completely comfortable with all aspects of myself. 


There are weeks when I'm completely comfortable with myself. I call these weeks good body weeks. Those are the best. They are the times when I can look in the mirror and appreciate all of my curves, imperfections, and blemishes all as components that make up  who i am. Other weeks i struggle, with the image of myself that is reflected back at me in the mirror. Thoughts like "what if I didn't have this" or" what if this were gone" or "maybe i should work on eating one meal a day this week and see how much weight I can lose" . All of these are things that pass through my mind during those low times. But through it all, there is always that tiny, almost inaudible voice in the back of my head that is telling me that I should not be thinking this way, and that its ridiculous to starve myself in order to make myself feel better when i gaze into an object that shows me a reflection. 


Sitting there, you may judge me and think that I am an insecure person and maybe I am, but I'm going to be slightly "childish" and say WHO ISN'T? The main problem with insecurities and bad body images, that I see with the female gender is that a lot of times it has to do with how we are viewed by the opposite sex. Men are extremely cut throat and honest when it comes to what they like and what they don't like. The idea of what is Attractive and what is Non attractive is everywhere around us. And it leads females to alter themselves drastically in order to feel "comfortable" in their own skin around others. I am completely fine, wearing not a slight bit of makeup when I am alone, yet in order to feel "comfortable" in..the world, I always have to throw SOMETHING on before I leave my room. Girls do it everyday. For some its more extreme than others, but every girl has insecurities. 


The comfortablity that arises due to the alterations that one makes to one's body is so fake and superficial and a lot of the time that it turns into a viscious cycle. Adhering to the societal standards that make us want to alter our bodies eats away at any possiblity of pure confidence that we may gain because it is overshadowed by the false sense of comfortablilty that arises from us NOT being ourselves and not LIKING ourselves.


Insecurity is one of the most dangerous aspects of humanity. I say this because, low self-esteem as a result of insecurities ends up being a one way street for many girls and when a male figure decides to travel down this one way street, the results can be painfully dangerous. If that male figure, decides to take a turn down another street, leaving that insecure one way street abandoned, self-esteem is apt to turn from low to nonexistant. 


this is when we see those girls who fall in love hard and fast with any guy who shows them an ounce of attention. The latch on and hold on for dear life, failing to realize that Men are not stupid, and they can see right through us 95% of the time. Its like, insecurity sends off hormonal signals into the air and those males who smell it out and seek out the owners know. They know what type of girl you are, they know what they could get away with, and most of the time they know that they have to get in and get out before insecurty takes over and you turn into a leech. 


I refuse to be one of those girls, who sits there and waits for a man to make her feel better. My insecuritie are just that..MINE. I refuse to let a male, solve this issue for me, and I refuse to allow myself to slip into that almost irrevocable hole that is low-self esteem. I have a lot to work on, and a lot of hate to rid myself of, but its almost like subconsciously, well consciously now, I won't allow myself to get into anything that would force me to have my emotions tied to another person because my insecurities will no doubt make themselves known.


Self will, and forced confidence is how I have made it thus far without attaining any serious eating disorders, or turn to alternative modes of self therapy. I would be lying if I said I never tried diet pills, and facial masks, of if I said i never replaced a meal with 2 or 3 cigarretes because they cut off appetites. But there are times, for me it was this past summer, when you just aren't happy with yourself. I vow, to be happy WITH MYSELF before I am happy with ANYBODY else. The love I am capable of giving even at times when I don't love myself is monumental and ALMOST scary. I can just imagine what I am capable of if I were to learn to love myself one hundred percent of the time. I am going to make somebody extremely and utterly happy one day, and that thought alone is enough to put a smile on my face. Although I am not unhappy with myself, persay, I'm a girl, and I have insecurities. I face them everyday, and let them know that I am ready to defeat them and move on, that way they will never win. I'm a stubborn person, and i will not waver in this battle. The mirror WILL BE my friend one day.

steel

My eyes. they tell a story.
You can look into them, and know,
-something-
about me.
I look into those choclaty and murky brown eyes and I'm met with steel.
A barrier, so carefully constructed and maintained with every word of truth and honesty you speak.
I feel uneasy.
You scare me.
All things i've said before.
My great mountain of a challenge packed into a slim figure.
I'm met with steel when I look into your eyes and I don't know what to do.
Baby, what IS your masterplan
You aren't the type to say things just to say them.
You are working towards something,

I would appreciate
it.
if you would...
fill me in.


What scares me the most is the possibility that you may not even know its there
So you hurting me might be inevitable.
I want to love you though,
to allow myself to love you
our personalities intertwine like no other
my laugh is so easy with you
i think twice only to strategize
how do I outsmart you next
its beautiful really,
that we can do that to eachother.
light a match baby, 
spark a flame of excitement over our fuel...understanding.
this is a dangerous combination our kind of people being content with being ourselves, 
-with- eachother
Our-selves are meant to be dance partners
yet i can't see behind those murky brown eyes of yours.
will I ever allow myself to feel this way?
I know i could love you.
I know you could make me love you.
Do I have a choice?

You Scare Me

YOU. scare me.

Your honesty, and willingness to tell me things most would shy away from,

THAT scares me.

With every spoken word of honesty, i have less and less of a reason to question what you say to me.

You are one of the few people, who is good with honesty.

Your eyes are untelling, a murky brown 

Black to those who don't care enough to take a second look.

The first time I looked into them, I knew you were dangerous.., 
..but i liked it.

So murky, I can't tell what lies behind them.

It is so intriguing, like a curtin leading into a dark room.

...Always been afraid of the dark..

I hate the dark, but strangely..., I want to walk in.

My state becomes more and more trance-like the closer I get.

Will I be able to navigate in the darkness?

Your smile is so easy, the corners of your lips curve up with such simplicity...

It tugs at my soul ever so slightly, making me long for you.. and I find myself being mesmerized by your presence.

I breathe in real deep and let the comfortablity ur smile has created allow me to be myself.

All of these things, are weapons that you could use against me, 

artillerary for -you-...., the enemy to fight me with...

unknowingly I will become a soldier in ur army, adhering to your commands, 

to love you..

want you...

need you....

-be with you-..

-all- of these things, unknowingly,

Your demeanor makes it hard for anyone to say no.

It is so dominating and passive at the same time.

You are the definition of the calm before the storm.

And i'm feeling so uneasy..

Right now its great. But will I be swept away in a disaster?

In my world, not all storms are violent,

but you never know...

Good liars, have to be good honest people first..

The Reason Why...

You scare me.

I Love My Brain

Just a random thought....

I think I'm a little crazy. "Insane in the membrane" as some might call it but I wouldn't change it for the world. The amusement park that is my brain is one of a kind. Crazy shit happens in here...but i'll never leave.

"If You Love Someone...You Would Take a Bullet For Them Right?..."

If I can scratch the surface only to find out that. the surface is all that is there, and to be met by air on the other side...I cannot do it.


Let me explain what I mean by that. I cannot help but to feel pitty and an almost overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation for the things that I have gone through that have turned me into the person that I am today. THAT right there is huge, because I never thought that I would say that...ever. I had grown accustomed to being bitter and that settled into my personality and ate away at my life...saying something like that truly shows my evolution as a person and the layers that must have been added to my being in order to make me appreciate and realize something of that magnitude.


[Robotic.] That's how I would describe the "surface" people that gave me the inspiration to put this pen to paper. You HAVE to be a little bit crazy to be on the same page with me here. Crazy is not negative in any sense when I refer it to life and humans. Sanity...full and complete sanity is boring, robotic, and unfulfilling. --unhappy--.


I am not content with only being a human, or only being a person.


I want to see things in ways people do not see things. Something that I have always done, but never fully acknowledged the extent of. I love to break down people and analyze them. Figure out for myself the type of person I think they are and interact with them, testing them in my own unique ways in order to see if I was right. I'm usually right.


I love to play whatever role necessary in order to interact with and figure people out. Its like i've made life into an extremely satisfying and fulfilling scientific experiement, and everyone I encounter becomes my test subject.
Playing detective on a surface person is no fun because I usuually don't have to do anything in order to reveal the superficial person that they are.


That is not to say that I do not form real relationships, my ability to analyze and break down personality layers has allowed me to see who is real and who is not. This is definately true and evident in the fact that I myself have never had CLOSE friends, up until recently i've just had circumstancial relationships, the ones that compose 95% of friendships. I was friends with people based on superficial similarities and a plethora of generally stupid things like housing proximity etc. Its been that way my whole life, and I have been able to avoid the many dangers that come as a result of these types of relationships. Those who I am close with, and those who I let into my life are all real people...People who I know are real. That doesn't necessarily mean they won't do me dirty, but I have enough confidence in their core character to know that they would thnk LONG and HARD before they did something of great magnitude to hurt me, and that if they did, it was because they had to, and they know that I would want them to, in order to benefit their lives, because in the end I want what is best for the people I allow myself to love, even at the expense of my feelings, because afterall, that's what loving somebody is all about. If you love someone you would take a bullet for them right?

The gray area...nonchristian does not mean of the devil.

There are many things in life, many experiences and decisions that have to be made that are not either christian or non christian they just are. There are a multitude of things in this world that do not fit into a specific category. Too often people who have strong religious beliefs are quick to quote the bible failing to realize that just because they have such strong conviction in the bible does not make everything in it true, or worthy to be injected into conversations when trying to convince someonne who does not hold the same beliefs as you. It is not a primary source material. The bible is compposed of opinions and lessons from the way that people back then thought and viewed the world.

I believe religion is good in that it helps people to have faith and to deal with the crudeness of this world. However, I think people take it too far sometimes and look down upon people who find alternative ways and routes to do the same exact thing- that is make it through this life because frankly NOBODY knows what happens when we die, nobody knows what happens to our souls and our spirits or even if those entities do exist.

There are few people who can make it through this world without believing in something. Everyone needs something to hold onto when times are bleak...Christianity is a faith that calls for the acceptance of everyone as a human being yet judgements arise. Judegment is normal, in that it is inherently human, everyone judges others, for a sleu of reasons that range from insecurities, to the way we are raised...however, when one makes an argument, one has to be sure that there are no holes in that argument that may discredit what they are saying. The fact that there are constant arguments and rallys thrown by Christians condeming others who are not christian is the biggest hole of all in the argument.

I do not believe that those who are Christian are bad people, nor do I believe that they should stop believing in what they believe in, I simply think that they should uphold the values in which their religion was founded on the first place and not pick and choose which things they want to follow and which they do not. That is extremely hypocritical and quickly makess me veer off the course of religious conversation with those who are so stuck in their ways that they are blind to the bigger picture that is faith and why it was established in the first place.

Bottom line. not being christian is not equal to being of the devil. everyone has different ways of dealing with life.

Yes ♥

Illuminati article comming soon...

I think a lot of people may be surprised by what it is going to contain..

::...There are pen marks on my bed..... ♥

There are pen marks on my bed. 

Left there after all the words from my head were said....

...on my notebook.

Satisfaction brought slumber, and my pen fell from my hands as I felt myself..slip

And my dreams were mapped onto my sheets as I dreamily moved from one side to the other.

..-Tossing and turning with my imagination-...

Don't be alarmed darling, if there are pen marks on my sheets.

♪♪ ..::Emotion.Sealed.

Lately, I've been writing a lot about my love for -writing-. As I sit here with my headphones on, literally drowning in the sounds that are flowing into my ears and and subequently freeing themselves within my body, carrying themselves down every nerve ending, making sure I FEEL it... I can't help but to be shocked and confused. I'm wondering how it is so, that my undeniable love for music, hasn't been expressed through my writing. As I delve deeper into the possible reasons behind why this is so, I get scared at what my inner self is telling me....


I was afraid that I would not do the magnitude of my love for music justice. Its like my feelings towards something I love cannot be expressed through the culmination of all things I love -writing-;;..but I want to so badly. I want to be able to describe the unfathomable sleu of emotions that erupt within me when I allow myself to truly embrace and acknowledge the creativity that lies behind the sounds I am currently allowing to fill my body----and take over.


I want to be able to describe the burning passion and desire that lies behind my love for music. I want to be able to describe the firey almost-lustfull romance I have with music. A love that just keeps on giving, forcing me to take all of it in, at the same time that I do it willingly. -I have no choice but I don't mind-. 


Music was my first love. My first hint of mental stimulation. Challenging me to think,contemplate, and reason long before I knew the true meanings behind those words. Music put a face to many emotions I unknowingly was feeling at both happy, and difficult times. Confused as hell always turned into, "maybe I can figure this out" after a few songs, and "maybe I can figure this out" always turned into "It'll get better, it has to" simply because things like music do not exist in a world where things can't get better...The lyrics didn't have to tell me so, the mere existance of the gorgeous creation that is a carefully put together song always gave me a flitter of hope at those times in my life when hope just seemed like a word to laugh at.

Music to me is like seeing into the souls of those who have written it. Emotions are attached to words, and just as the ink is spilling from this pen in the shape of these carefully placed and decided words, the emotions behind them are sealed permanantly into existance. 


When I think of it like that, i realize that I CAN do music justice, because with these words however vague they may be. maybe even painfully untelling to some, I searched for the right words, && I came into contact with the right emotions, and the words were driven by these emotions...::i love you music:::.
*emotion sealed words*

:..::::Puzzles::::.:::..:::..::.:

For some reason, I always link prominent childhood memories of mine to present day 'memories in the making'. I always find some link, some way to metephorize my past and apply it to my present. Right now, in this moment, the memory of my love for solving puzzles as a young child, placed itself in my mind, giving me the opportuinity to link it to love. My mind is a scary place sometimes. Why is it, that the remembrance of the rush and exhiliration I felt when I finished that 3000 piece titanic puzzle... is allowing me to deciper the tangled mess of emotions that lies in the pit of my stomach when the memory of him lends itself to my mind...here i go...


Its like all of the other ones were 8 piece puzles.
You know, the ones you could almost feel proud of yourself for completing but couldn't :quite: get  yourself to because in the end,... 8 piece puzzles are mediocre and easy. You unscramble one eight piece puzzle one after the other,again and again-several times. We ignore the big 2000 piece puzzle sitting in that huge box merely 10 feet away from us.


I see it. but don't acknowlege it because acknowledgement of that box would mean a challege.
He is that box for me. Maybe I should keep going with the 8 piece puzzles? What if I can't figure him out? He said to me that I  just needed to go with the flow because I'll never know otherwise. 
-That wasn't the response I was looking for.-

Instead of reasurring me and telling me he won't hurt me and that I don't have to be scared, he is telling me to stop thinking so much...Leaving the possibility that I could fail  at finishing this puzzle. -he could really hurt me- right out on the table....and stupid me still wants to peek underneath the lid beause although he is the most complicated puzzle I have ever/will ever see, its beautifully challenging. I have the feeling that the puzzle isn't going to hurt me, he is going to just make finishing it a crazy, long, challening, and rewarding one.....my human titanic puzzle.


.I'm. .so. .scared.


8 piece puzzles never made me think this hard.

He hit me with the "How do you feel about me"

...and this is what I told him.

Okay, so you asked me to write...and i'm writing. How I feel about you is the question you asked me...and its crazy because I got all tongue twisted and nervous...couldn't speak the words you are about to read for some reason...but i'll write. Good call babe...So i think you already have a hint about this but i like you a lot. You're diffeent in every sense of the word because if someone were to ask me to paint a picture of the guy capable of making me feel this way...I wouldn't have painted you...but that's not a bad thing. Its catching me off guard a lil bit. I do see myself being
 -with- you. But there are still some thngs about you that I am unsure of. Basically, my feelings for you are strong, you make my mind work, you challenge me to be on my toes all the time,  yet for the most part I am confortable around you...I just have a hard time letting myself like you too much because its scary to me that I can't figure you out...so i don't know what I'm getting myself into.


Being vulnerable is one of the hardest things for me to be if not THE hardest thing. He just got a little taste when I hit that send button...hopefully he appreciates it...its crucial that he appreciates it.


...

Daydreaming...

Fields of grass.cloud.dark.
something.distance.unthinkable.
stars.saturn.rings.marriage.
love?...children.a lot. alarm
clock.Happy.Alive.Breakfast.
Chaos.Children.Everywhee.GOD..
i love them.
Husband.kiss.
Work.Write.Inhibition.There.
Tattoos.Clarify.Open.Feelings
allowed.embrace.mommy.lion cubs.grass.again.prairie. sunset
orange.Florida.ocean.swim.wavs.boat.men.women.
together.fight.confusion.blurr.
Where was I? Another planet.

Possible Love

Possible love, lets make a reality.
Unusual love, that's what its bound to be.
You know my ways, just as I know yours.
Uneasy feelings in my stomach
The fear that this may be...right.?
Comfortable. I am with you.
Completely free with no fear of misunderstanding. or judgement.
You are young in appearance but old at heart.
I, am. the opposite.
We balance eachother out.
The things you notice...I notice them too.
As tiny as they may be...common sense to me and you, 
they are monumental. because nobody else sees it that way.

Don't Know Where this is Going...

Black girl.
curly hair--:::afro::::
real laid back
loose fitting jeans
chucks-dirty
slouched but sexy posture
skin
golden brown skin
(Brown Sugar)
white smile, perfect? teeth, (one non recognizable but feel-able defect)--:::she talks about it all the time? nobody notices till she mentions it.
slim-elegant fingers
random outfits and flowers in her hair and shit.
Makes her own jewlry.
Wears scarfs in places they don't belong.
Wears like wood bracelets n shit.
Soultry voice...deep..but its completely fine
low soultry laugh
smile best described as: easy::..

Quiet Storm

N.o.b.o.d.y. .i.s. .g.o.n.n.a.s.e.e.i.t.c.o.m.m.i.n.g.

It will be a beautiful storm though.

It will take place in a sunset,tropical island setting.The palm trees will sway, but not violently as they do in a destructive storm. Rather, they will dance in the wind like two lovers, just falling, tentatively swaying in eachothers arms until they fall into the deep abyss of their love, -unable- to let go.

Tumultuously they will roll around at times, but by the end of it all they will continue to embrace eachother.

...the whole time...

Out of the abyss and all around them is a beautiful sunset enveloping them in her warmth.

Knowing tht she represents the transition between night and day.

first falling and deep abyss.

Lips meeting lips they realize where they are, and what this has meant to them, separately within themselves but together all the same.

<3

Twitter.

https://twitter.com/Dahyana_Marie

This Might Just Be Wrong Enough To Be Right...

You ever feel that way? That something is just so wrong that it is right? We "share" family members. His relation is by way of marriage, mine by way of blood.

Older. Smoothe. Smart. Wierd. Funny. Deceptive. Mysterious. 

Confusing...

Yup that's all him. But its been two years since we made that connection...and he's still here, and -I'm- still here...talking, relating, discussing. He is the first person i spent countless productive hours with on the phone discussing relationships, human nature, religion, love, struggle, -everything-, Wow is all I can say the more I think about it.

We hit it off way too easily. I knew then and there that he was different, and honestly, he's had me...since then. We've had eachother because even with all my bullshit that I've fed him, he still ends up on the other side of my phone line saying "Yeah...uh. I don't even know why I'm calling you right now". And I take it. Just as he takes it. We both know what it is. But we play games...

Of course, if you meet someone who is -exactly- like you, youre going to want to play. You are going to want to play, because now, instead of driving yourself crazy internally with all the mental games you play with --yourself-- you get to play the games with your mind, extenally with that other person.

IF we let ourselves fall....., we will fall hard, and beautifully. 

Like two puzzle pieces viloently put together,

We will be happy to be together in the end.  

That's just the way it is, .we fit..., compliment, and helpeachother.

I'm excited because this is going to be, has been,, wil be:

.scary.uplifting.spiritual.happiness.passion.understanding.

.right.

and most of all..

.incredible.

yeah, all of that.

....::and then some::.....

Words are beautiful.

Words…are beautiful.
Writing…is beautiful.
I am an unconventional artist
I say unconventional because my creations-with words are representative of a picture,idea,emotion,or thought that lies in my head. [internal]. They are mine and will always be mine, because although my words paint a picture in my head, it most likely won’t paint the exact same picture in somebody elses.-think about it-
I don’t draw.
I don’t sing.
I don’t dance.
I don’t sculpt.
I dont build.
I write…its a beautiful thing.
What i feel internally i can convey through the manipulation of words…
The very same words that someone else may use to convey a completely different message I can mold and rearrange to fit the description of whatever it is that is going on in my head.
Words…are powerful.

Words can be difficult and frustrating…because sometimes it seems to be that there are no words that exist that will help you to portray what you are feeling.
But whatever that feeling is can be described…with words…

Simply saying that there are no words to describe the way you are feeling lets it be known exactly how you are feeling.

Carefully placed words can send people’s brains into a whirlwind of thought processes that probably would not occur otherwise. Words enable us. me. you. them…to grow, analyze,critique,discover


Words are amazing. Emotions were no doubt around long before words were, but words can not only evoke emotion but produce and create it as well.
.incredible.

Waiting.

Ok, so, I’m sure everyone or should I say most people have felt like this. Life’s a bitch, and we don’t always get what we want. So is it okay to settle for something less, or maybe something that isn’t necessarily less, but may just be something that you didn’t want in the first place? When do we give up on whatever it is that we are trying to achieve, attain, or reach. I guess for everybody the answer is different. Its all about determination, and all the other words that usually go along with determination i.e courage, discipline, PERSEVERANCE.
But what happens if you are an impatient person like I am? Do you settle for less, and hope better comes along, or do u take the risk of being stuck forever, and facing the consequences of your actions later when you see what you COULD of had easily in ur reach yet so unattainable because you are stuck. Confused yet? Basically, where i’m going with this is, honestly, is instant gratification ever better than the whole patience is a virture, good things happen to those who wait type of thing. Now, normally the answer for most people is that they’d rather wait and be happy in the end for a longer period of time as opposed to that instant gratification that can be effective almost immediately.


The truth is, when your in the situation, feeling desperate as ever, down in the dumps and unhappy, that instant gratification looks better and better as time goes on. We push the consequences of these actions to the back of our minds, soothing our worries with words like “i’ll figure it out” and actually growing confident that this will actually be the case. The truth of the matter is, no matter how advanced we are, no matter how many opposable thumbs we pocess, we are still intrinsically animals who lick their wounds when they are hurt. Its part of being a living orgnism. What is most important to be thought of during times like these is the fact that you will feel EXTREMELY guilty for that immediate gratification when its all said and done. UNLESS, you are one of those lucky souls who does indeed “figure it out” when the time comes.
In my 19 years, i’ve learned a lot of things about myself and other people and just human nature in general, and I think one of the most important things i’ve learned is that whenever, something goes wrong, and one of us makes a mistake, for example taking immediate gratification in a situation even though it is in our best interest to be patient, our regret and guilt follow us for the rest of our lives. Yes, it may in fact be a learning experience because it is true that you don’t know what you have until its gone, and you can’t appreciate something you’ve never gone without, and you can’t truly know until you try.


But how many times do we have to try before we realize that our ways of doing things aren’t working out for us, the idea that maybe this time it’ll work or 3rd times the charm doesnt cut it for everything. We need to stop making excuses for ourselves and compensating for things we have lost whilst settling for something we only thought we wanted at the time because when that thing you truly want, walks away from you, you will be more than sorry or guilty, and you will find yourself wondering if you had waited, how happy you wouldve been..