I felt this way once.

When I look back at the things I wrote in my times of depression, I think of how far I've come and all of the things that have allowed me to move on and to work towards being myself. I love it that I choose to write whenever I'm feeling any type of emotion, because I can always go back and read the things I wrote and be either happy that I felt that way at one time, or be greatful that I was able to come out of it. This next entry, was something I wrote when I was at one of the lowest points of mylife, somethng I wrote when I was feeling both confused and depressed at the same time. A time when most of my confusion came from the fact that I was in fact depressed and the feeling that I would never come out of it because I couldn't pinpoint one thing jn  particular that was making me feel this way. Now that i've come to terms with life, and am begining to figure things out, I look at this entry and I feel a little sad that I was actually feeling that way at one time, and elated at how things have turned around, and the almost overwhelming feeling that I can take control of my life, nobody is in control but me. This is me. 

Lately, I've been feeling some type of way-unhappy. For some reason I can't seem to come up with a time period in my life that I have been genuinely happy in. For some rason all I can remember are short periods of happiness followed by a lot of unhappiness. Why can't I just be happy? I'm fucking frustrtated with every aspect of my life....looks, relationships,school. Why is it that I am still faced with the fear of failure even when I know that I am trying my hardest? Why does my goal of becomming a doctror seem more and more unattainable as each day goes by? Why do I look in the mirror and have deep feelings of unsatisfaction? Why is it that I can't seem to form romantic relationships with people that don't have to do with my vagina? 


Why is my EVERY move calculated and planned? I think this may be the worst I've felt in a long time. THat along with this almost unbearable feeling of loneliness makes me feel like I'll never come out of this. I honestly don't know what triggered this, and I honestly,don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm sick and tired of acting a certain way because that's how I feel like I should be acting. Im sick of being met with disappointment within every aspect of my life. My happiness shouldn't rely on other people but a lot of times it does, and I don't know how to fix it.


Everyone is annoying me. I just want to go far far away. Escape my body and "friends"...EVERYBODY. and just leave. I need to stop doing things to please OTHER people. Sometime's I just don't understand why it is that I feel some type of way..I don't comprehend because there was a time when I was happy and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I was comfortable with ym body because I always was. How am i not now? I was happy with my performance in school because it reflected how smart I am-Now it doesn't.
I'm just not happy.




Wow.I've come along way. Reading this has showed me how much of an internal person I am. A lot of things go on in my amusement park brain, and honestly, it just seems like I have a hard time leaving it. And I don't think its a bad thing. My internalizations are represented outwardly through my writing and I make it through. <3 words, and writing. I am so greatful.