When you know you love him

For Evan. My Inspiration.

Chaos.

Most avoid it, but often times you have to run into it, head on, in order to find true happiness. Within the chaos of life are bight shining rays of light which encompass the most important things this world has to offer. Within chaos are the most mystically magical feelings on this planet. The feelings that cannot be fathomed or described with words. Only felt and contained within our souls for us to feel every second of everyday. That feeling, those emoitions evoked by those feelings, and all of the millions of the tiny little fragments of life that have never seemed to find a way to come together, finally like a perfect puzzle, make you complete. 

Love. Is the most beautiful chaos there is. Stepping into the warm inviting rays of this entity after the long hard battle that is typicall of a chaotic setting, your mind, body, and soul fall into a sea of emotions filled with all the meanings of your life. Suddenly, you can catch those oh so desired glimpses into your future, and with such conviction you anticipate the day in which that particular vision will become a reality. 

Security. Suddenly you feel okay, like everything will be alright. You let your life be, and go with your instincts.  You pay attention to all the writings on the wall, including the finest of the fine print, and you trust that the story is and will be beautiful. 

Happiness. Your heart is the strongest its felt in years, withstanding all of the emotions that wash over it as you think about him every second, of every second, of everyday. So much so that it aches…so good…within the cavities of your body. Nothing can be done without you thinking of the reason why you can’t do what you are trying to do. You find joy in the tinest implements of life, because they remind you of him. 

Being able to give your heart to somebody willingly and earnestly, with the knowledge that they would never ever do anything to harm you, is an infinitly  better feeling than keeping it guarded within that hard shell it had been encased in for so long. 

When your eyes fall into eachother’s so often, but no matter where you are, you both get lost in the sleu of emotions spilling over with the love they create. When you communicate without speaking, or seeing one another, Simply feeling what the other is thinking and reacting to it before they can say a word…..

…A connection that is unbreakable, like a cast iron sword it slices through adversity as one cohesive system working together to ensure happiness in all of its counter parts.

Continued excitement over the fact that you always end feeling ways that you never thought or imagined you could feel before.

Appreciation. Of the magnitude of the amazing entity that is the universe. and. acknowledgment that the universe plays a part in the order of it all.

The realization that the two of you are meant to be together on every scale imagineable

THAT’S. When you know you love him.

Right now…at this moment in time.

IDon’tKnow.

Where I am.

How I feel. 

Where I fit in.

What i’m doing.

Where I’m going.

or how I’m livin’.

But i still -am-.

.strength.

“To be better than someone is to be worst than all”

“To be better than someone is to be worst than all”

How do I feel about this? Can a person be happy in life with this mentality? Can a person lead a happy and fulfilling life thinking that to be better than someone is the opposite of what most people hold to be true? I know that in life, when others around me think that they are better than me, instead of liking them, and wanting the best for them, I often times wish that something would happen to snap them back into reality.I dont necessarily mean this maliciously but I just believe that everybody needs a snap back into reality. Nobody is better than anybody, some of us are more refined in some areas than others, but nobody is better than anybody. In the end we are all the same, we are comosed of the same substances and we all came to be in the same manner…more or less. Our fundamental building blocks are the same. How can we say, or assume that we are any better than the next person. 

Humans have made it so we look for things that set us apart from others. Everyone wants to be different, and better than somebody else. We compete in all aspects of life. What for? We are all here for the same reason. To find happiness, and to maintain it because nobody has been happy their whole lives. Happiness is like an abusive and unstable relationship. On and off, and the funny thing about it is that it has to be that way in order for it to exist. That’s crazy. If we didn’t have to feel the torment our emotions and states of beings go through when we are taken out of being happy and move towards experiencing some other less desireable emotion.

Pretty much what I am saying is that, we spend our whole lives trying to be better, and most of us have convinced ourselves that we have found happiness through the successes our competetive natures have reaped. But in the end we are all the same, we come to life the same way and our endings are all inevitable. We need to learn to just be, the people we are, and to accept our role in this grand schema that is life. We all are here to play a part, and each of our parts are equally as important because we are all influenced by eachother in some way shape of form…if you really think about it, we are all connected some how in this world, even if those connections are extensive and miniscule, they exist. That is enough reason to realize that we are one in the same entity as a whole. 

Stop thinking you are better than anybody. Think about what life REALLY is, and so much time won’t be spent on wishing and thinking that you are on a pedestal, and a lot of life’s trials and tribulations will seem easier to overcome because the real source of them will be revealed and more often than not, they will no longer be trials and tribulations. Our worries about how others view us will not seem like anything worth worrying about, for many reasons than one. The most prominent reason being that the true meaning and essence of life centers around us all being the same, and realizing that we can be different while still being the same, but being different doesn’t set us apart the ways in which we have made it so. Being different sets us apart merely for consistency. IF you are going to separate a whole entitiy (humanity) that separation alone means that each separate piece is one in its own, that it. We are not beter or wosre than anybody. We just are. 

Being Alone

I love being alone.
With my thoughts, myself, my imagination, and my dreams. My mind is the only place I can express myself freely with no modifications...Why wouldn't I be in love with being alone. I value time alone more than I value a lot of other things in life. Working through my emotions on my own has given me the opportunity countless times in life to understand who I am, each time didnt lead to full understanding but it was a piece towards understanding and knowing myself. Opening up your mind when you are alone and just letting it wander and think of things from different perspecties and angles is incredible. Those who don't enjoy being alone just don't know how to do it properly.

.Know yourself.

"the world always reflects back to us what we embody"


Striving to become the person I know I will become has not always been an easy task. In a world where so much is happening, its so easy to ignore yourself. As infants we are born with an egocentric view of the world, but it doesn't last too long. As we grow older, we learn that the world is not just as we see it, and things do in fact exist outside of the realm of our five sense and the ways in which we interact with things. This is necessary for survival. In order fo us to survive, we need to learn that there are things outside of us, but in doing so, some of us lose ourselves forever. Some of us become so preoccupied with the world around us that we forget that we are a being within this world.


How many times have you stopped and thought about who you really are? How many times have you asked yourself who the hell am I? or What the hell am I? The simple answer of human being does not even begin to come close to being the answer necessary in order to live in this world effectively while knowing your purpose as the same it.


It is important for us to set time aside each day to really explore ourselves and get to know the extraordinary concept that we are. Not just personality, but every component that makes us who we are from our thoughts to acknowledging the fact that within us, there are millions of things working together to make us who we are, and to keep us -alive-. The blood that washes all over our body, giving life to the tissues that compose the structure that eventually makes us whole. The breath that allows us to connect to others before and after us. As we breathe in the air of others and breathe it out allowing them to breathe ours in, the air we breathe is recycled, we are all connected. 


Being intune with yourself, not neglecting yourself due to distractons leads to higher understanding of the issues that come about due to those distractions that could potenitally lead you astray from youruself. How can we expect life to go the way we want it to if we don't know ourselves?


Appreciation of ourselves, our human capabilities, the things that set us apart and the things that unite us with others undoubtdely will lead to great love for oneself, awe that we exist and gratitude that we exist. Our purpose, although it may be occluded and cloudy will be made clear, and the road towards fulfilling that purpose will eventually seem straighter. Pay attention to yourself, at all times. Learn to distinguish between wants and desires and what you yourself needs because wants and desires are false portrayals of need and can further lead us away from understanding and being one with ourselves. They add fuel to the fire of ignorance and we are unable to live out our lives to its full potential. I believe everyone on this earth has the ability to be happy in life and  understand its purpose and their own individual purpose on this earth, so long as they understand that just being, and listening to themselves, the awe of their existance, and subseqently the awe of what exists around them. Life is incredible, and all the different roads and pathways we could take during our existance are proof of what we are capable of and what can be achieved pending our ability and our deisre to know ourselves.

::Tugging::.

Unconventional lovers.
...met in an unfamiliar familiar place.
unusual circumstances and smoothly sailing ridiculous plans
it was meant to be. Why else would they be in this random place with all of these random people at the same time in that moment in time?

Consistancy is consistent with them.
Always there, even after a long time.
Receptions... always begrudgingly welcome
smiles, kisses, hot drunk sex...one time.

its been some time now, and he's still here knocking at my door.
I peeked my head out and met him with that usual smile
Welcoming him, but keeping him at arms length at the same time.
I had to interrogate him for awhile, couldn't just let him into my house.
What do you really want?...real question is why am I so scared...we're the workings of a brilliant entity, complementing eachother in every single way...

I am old enough..

I am old enough to know now that good things come to those who wait.
I am old enough to know now that long roads usually have good things at the end.
I am old enough to know that effort brings success.
I am old enough to know that hard work pays off.
I am old enough to know that <> us valuable and precious, you can't get it back.
I am old enough to realize that the endless capabilities of the human race will be the end of the human race.
I am optamistic enough to think that one less fallen victim to the blinding and dangerous effects of these capabilities slows down the process.
I am old enough now to realize that just because you can doesnt mean you should.
I am old enough now to realize that because you should, you can.

Pretty basic. I guess you could say I was aware of all these things, but haven't been able to truly appreciate them for what they are yet. I am old enough now to realize that just because you think you know doesn't mean you do.

::..We Are Doomed..::

We are doomed.

What happened to those days of writing a girl you liked a love letter professing your love or interest in her? What happened to those days of mustering up all of your courage to ask a girl’s daddy if you could take his daughter out to lunch after church on Sunday? All that courage to ask had to have meant you REALLY liked her. What happened to courting, and girls never saying yes at first attempt? What happened to girls envisioning the lives of her children as well as herself with the man she was considering going out to lunch with on Sunday? What happened to when things were so hard, lives were easily genuine. 

I'm a product of my era. Most of time is spent on networking sites, from the top of the pyramid to the bottom.

.Facebook

.Twitter.Blogger.Aim.

And so have my peers. Our lives can undoubtedly be pieced together with repeated glances of us portraying ourselves publicly with the help of a keyboard and mouse pad. Nothing that once was private is private anymore. We tell others about things from how we woke up in our beds that morning to whom we want to have sex with now. Our relationship troubles are broadcasted for everyone to see via newsfeeds. We're together, and I'm in love" quickly turns to "I hate you, you ruined my life" a few days later. Little lovers quarrels like this turn into heart wrenching breakups because you get influenced by the false portrayal of your status that have been elicited by your friends. Small things are placed underneath a microscope for everyone to analyze, pass judgment on and construct an idea of you they so strongly believe in. We let out our feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, and embarrassment...every emotion you could possibly think of or feel, through these portals that have been created. How can I form a close relationship with you if you already have an idea of who you think I am? Without a chance, I can't change the conviction you feel towards the idea of me you have formulated. 

I’ve always been a loner. The type of kid to stay in her room and read books all day, People like me don’t like others knowing our whereabouts, and tiny tid bits of information about us. We like our privacy, and let our personalities serve as surprise factors for those who take the time to –see- us.

Those days of really loving someone before you married them...seem to be vanishing before our eyes, and I know if they were to ever come back it would be a long time from now. I'm too much of a free-spirited conventional and practical person to be forced to live under a microscope. I like to roam freely, with no eyes on me. It pains me to think of the different components of facebook that people can put together into a mediocre representation of me that would never give justice to the true person I am. Some may say that you have to not care what anybody thinks of you, and I say that we're human, we couldn't change it if we wanted to, we all care. If not to everybody, somebody.... we care about somebody's way of thinking of ourselves. I care about multiple people's way of thinking of me. How can I even BEGIN to change your opinion of me if I just reinforce your thoughts on a daily basis. I am not going to sit over here and bitch and moan about people not knowing the real me when I give them reasons not to. I am a strong woman, things like this contradict the distinct person I am.

Of course you are going to like somebody if it is harder to get to know them. Who doesn’t like a nice prize at the end of a long journey…it makes it all worthwhile. How are friendships supposed to be real if you see your “friend” morph in and out of personalities based on who they are interacting with via Internet and how they interact in person? We misinterpret our inborn predisposition to be shy in person as merely a mask to cover up the ugly face of fake interaction via the Internet. We put ourselves in compromising situations, and many of us place ourselves under the influence of various substances in order to have an excuse to act variably in the presence of so many that have seen the many, many heads of your “personality”. The odds are against me already and many people are preprogrammed towards the notion of not giving me a chance, and not opening their eyes to the soul that lies within this shell. I will not be an aid in this blatant attack at my quality of life and future interactions with people. If anything I will force you to get to know me, if not because you want to, but because you very well can’t help yourself. 
.Curiosity is a bitch.

Eyes

There is something to be said about somebody who looks everyone they interact with in the eyes. Its like telling them to look into your soul, openeing the window and letting them peep in. People can''t help but to appreciate this.

I am going to start looking everyone in the eyes, and see how my life changes just by this small gesture. I've been practicing, and I just need to keep reminding myself....because I'v avoided eyes for a very long time.

We're Mackin on Facebook now?

After I was told to copywrite my stuff before I made it public, I thought of what I would want to copyright and I haven't come up with anything good enough to copyright. But tonight, I wrote an amazing piece that I want to go places. I will copyright it. Whatever the process may be. 

Sidenote....I don't think I have to mention how much I love writing so, I've decided that..My tax refund money will go towards my dream. :)

♥

Fake.

So fake.

Jealousy, you don't hide it well

You use others to climb to the top, conversations have no substance.

Looks, they matter, we have mentors, in our age group?

We can't find what to wear, so we go to her facebook page

We pretend to be friends, so we don't look like we don't have any

If that's what a friend is, I don't want one.

We cover our jealousy with a huge smile.

and say...its whatever...bitch you know you hate her.

For what?

Why feel that way?

I'm past it, ten steps ahead of everybody, I see the road ahead and what it entails. 

I'll prepare myself now.

These games you be playin, being fake, so fake that your like a piece of plastic I could burn with a cheap bic ligher. I'll watch you melt.

Real talk though, if that's the type of person you want to be...

If you'd rather look past someone's eyes towards the routes and avenues they can put you on instead of looking into their eyes and seeing where they could end up with you, helping you to grow and be a better person...that's the life you choose, and that's the beauty of life, we have choices. 

i choose to be real, happy, think ten steps ahead and not sweat the small stuff. Inlusion is overrated, and the cost is climbing. 

Life hasn't afforded me enough cheddar to spend it on stupid shit like this.

::..::

Cozy.content

drink.

valentine

love...him..falling

dissappointment

tumble.

walls...building

fall in love..so easy

babies.family.life.

♥

.Its been a year.

Wow. Today is February 14th. Besides it being the obvious..., yes, it is valentine's day, something more monumental is signified by this date. I have been celibate for a year. The last time I had sex was a year ago....Now those that know me know that for a freak like me, this was not an easy feat. A full year....WOW.


Last year around this time I was into the full swing of the second semester of my freshman year in college. Being wreckless was normal behavior. I had broken up with my boyfriend of two years the summer before freshman year and I was looking to have all aspects of the college experience. I started to lose myself, and before I knew it I was doing and saying things I said I would never do or say.


People always ask me why I decided to be celibate and  alot of the time I just give them a generic answer because I never felt like going into detail about it. But honestly, its because I'm not that kind of girl. Not to say anything against girls who have casual sex, or sex with someone they just merely like, I'm just not wired that way. I need to have commitment, and strong feelings, as well as trust before I can effectively have sex with somebody. Translation: I need to be in a committed relatinship. I realize that I'm in college and part of being in college means that you have fun and do things that you probably won't be able to do after you graduate and that you were never able to do prior. But, I choose to exclude myself from the casual fuck club lol . I never feel good about myself afterwards, and I always think of it as a waste of time.I don't like feeling like shit for anybody, and if I have sex with somebody one day and I see him mackin on another girl at a party the next day, I feel angry, ashamed, lonely, & not worthy & I'm not afraid to admit it.... So, why put myself in that position? I refuse to let anybody make me feel that way for 10-15 minutes of enjoyment. 


A nut last 10-15 seconds, not to be explicit but....i mean on average that's how long it lasts! So, why oh why would I engage in that type of behavior with a man who cares nothing about me, nothing about my beauty, my intelligence, and all the other qualities that are components of me. Its not worth it to me. To me, sex is overrated when its not with somebody you care about and who cares about you. 


Girls want to sit there and say they don't care, "you just have to think like a nigga" who are you kidding? You care, that's how we were built. You feel. You just choose to not feel. That's why everyone stays fuckin with those people who repeatedly do them wrong, or dudes who they've seen do other people wrong, and pretend to not care when they are pushed aside. You care. Of course you care, and maybe you are a stronger woman than me because you can repeatedly deal with those tiny blows at your emotions. You got that... As for me, my emotions are secure I'm okay with being by myself...


People ask me since its been a year, when I plan on having sex again...and My answer to them is that on this day one year ago I set a goal for myself and I achieved it. I plan on continuing this current pattern because its been a year, but I'm still single, and I've yet to find someone who is worth it, so I will be celibate until then. I will not have sex unless it is worth it, and it takes a lot for it to be worth it. It'll be hard but I've come this far, why quit now? I have a good head on my shoulders, my judgement is never clouded, and I can weed out the bad seeds real quick, once I pull the celibacy card they head for the hills...and I just laugh and smile to myself, like 'you weren't worth my time anyways". I've got my shit together, and I know what I want/need/deserve. I am a strong woman, and I refuse to shed this persona for anybody. I will continue to be strong and do what is best for me...and when that right person comes along, it'll all be worth it. Patience is a virtue. :) 

I have writers block

I have things in my mind
That I want to write
But it won't come out .....right
And it hate it
Because I love to write
But right now
I can't
And its jus so difficult
like pulling teeth

maybe its because its 3am. and i have a psychopharmacology test tomorro.
lol yeah... thats it.

just be.

Why do the rules of engagement exist? Why is it that we can never simply like somebody and express our feelings towards them freely without the need to premeditate all the different courses of action you are going to take with eachother. We premeditate how we are going to talk to them, how we are going to interact with them, the kinds of things we are going to wear and even how we are going to interact with others around them. So much thinking. So many games...and when two people who are experts at these games come together, the games are endless.

Why do we complicate things for ourselves so much. Why can't anything just be? I would be naiive to say that these games do not make things a bit more exciting, its almost as if true love is gauged on how well two people can play games with eachother and both end up winning.

We've complicated things so much for ourselves trying to please everyone. Because lets face it these games sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, are a result of us trying to uphold our image or trying to make sure the other person doesn't have the upper hand...we can't ever let things just be...

I'm all for letting things just be..

.Relationships.

After a conversation on relationships I felt compelled to write down my thoughts...naturally.


I think people these days are way too quick to get into relationships. Now, I don't think that there should be a time limit for how long two people are talking before they make it official because quite frankly everybody is different, but I do think that people get so caught up in their emotions and the excitement of liking somebody else that they forget to look ahead. Its a natural thing. Its natural for us to have a picture in our heads about what we think a particular relationship is going to be like when we are talking to somebody. Everyone lets their minds wander into what they think will be the future and they envision various things with that person, most of it being good. Because after all, who likes to think negative about something they are about to get themselves into. But a lot of people fail to realize that relationships take work, and there WILL be rough times, there will be times when you can't stand eachother, and there will be times when that person turns you off. That right there is the reason why many couples don't make it. Its those unforseen difficulties that catch people off guard and cause them to get off the horse. Before a relationship occurs, both people need to understand that by being with eachother they are making a commitment to make things work. You don't have to be in love with somebody to be willing to make it work. Of course being in love does help the situation monumentally because there is another driving force behind your decision to stay and tough it out with somebody, but I believe that the want to work things out should come PRIOR to entrance into a relationship. These are things that a lot of people, especially young people refuse to think about because honestly, it makes things a lot more difficult and everyone looks for the easy way around things. Relationships are serious, why commit yourself to something when you are just going to give up when it gets hard. You as well just stay single to be quite honest.

There are certain aspects of a relationship that can be predicted, because in the end we are all just animals and when two animals get together, there are inevitable and predictable outcomes. However, we are also all different in our own ways, that being said, obviously there are things that are going to arise, both good, and bad, that cannot be predicted, because every relationship is unique in itself, because every relationship is the result of two distinct individuals getting together. The ingredients aren't quite the same for every relationship.

Knowing this, people should be aware that things ARE going to change. I hate hearing people say that things aren't the same as it was in the begining of a relationship. Of course not, if I were to be in a relationship with somebody and it stayed the same for an extended amount of time I would be concerned. Part of being in a relationship is knowing that thing will change, some things will get routine, and redundant, and things that used to matter won't matter anymore. The impact of many things such as your significant other's looks will fade, and you will get used to it. Sex eventually will become routine, of course there are things you can do to spice it up but it will be routine nonetheless, two people can only get so creative. Love, if it happens, is only a component of what makes a relationship a lasting one. Too often people try to fit their relationship into that box of definitions of known components: Love, trust, honesty,communication etc..but its deeper than that. There are undefinable, and unexplainable, but altogether present, aspects in a relationship that are important in order for it to be a success....

Basically, what I'm saying is why get into a relationship if you aren't trying/willing/want to make it last. Those things aren't just things that happen when you are in love. Relationships are serious, and I think that people are taking them way too lightly and ignoring the responsibilities, and the array of implicit understandings and commitments that come as a result of saying you belong to somebody and having somebody belong to you...that's not something that anybody should ever take lightly, but unfortnuately I see it all around me everyday...hence why I'm still single. lol

:)

I am a walking contradiction

Today I let my mind wander, just let my thoughts flow freely because I was itching to write, and I couldn't think of anything of substance I wanted to write about...and as always when I let my mind wander, i began to ask myself..
Who..the fuck..am I?


Answer:
I am the culmination of things that typically don't go together. -I- am a walking contradiction, an oxymoron.., Do not be like so many in this world who have tried to categorize me. In a recent post I shed light upon the fact that I don't easily and readily form close relationships with people. I think this is mostly due to the fact that not many people can grasp all the components of me. It takes a very special person to be able to see that: 


I love music, tattoos, piercings, art, poetry, WRITING.
but. i also..
I love learning, helping people, medicine, surguries, blood, cut off fingers...the smell of hospitals, and scrubs.


I love all of these things, and I'm sick of people telling me that they do not go together. 
Society says that I have to choose between my loves, but i refuse. Life already provides heartbreak for me. I am sure that there is unforseen heartbreak in my future, just as a result of me being a living human being, so why would I provide my -own- self with heartbreak by choosing. Why would I ignore or give up any single one of my loves just because society tells me that they do not belong together. 


I am not naiive. and I realize that whether I like it or not, other people do have a say in how far I go in life, and how successful I end up being. I play a big role, but my role isn't the only one. So of course there will be some compromising on my part. That neck tattoo I've always wanted probably won't happen, but the hip, and the back, and the ribs, they will happen, because I can and will wear a lab coat that covers them all....


Some days I will have to study instead of writing, even though I really really want to write.
 And other days, I will write instead of studying because ...I really really want to write.
Some days, I will play music as I do my homework, but some days I may have to set aside my headphones and focus on that particular paragraph in my textbook that I've been staring at but not absorbing for the last 20 minutes.
One day, I may decide I want to get my wrist pierced...who the fuck cares, holes close up, I can take them out later....


I am my own person. One in an infinity. Don't tell me that I CAN'T do something because my priorities are out of line. Maybe it is YOUR priorities you need to check up on because last time I checked one of the major priorities of life is LOVE. and I REFUSE to live a less than full and satisfying existance because others tell me that the things I love don't go together. 
.Get The Fuck Out Of Here With That Shit. 


10 years from now I will be succesful, with a huge family, and a big enough house for all of us to live comfortably even with a few guests. I will have tattoos, the ones I plan on getting over the next year, along with a tribute to my children. Some of my piercings will be long gone, and others will still be going strong. I will continue to love music, new, old, indie, underground, foreign. Music will always be there. && I will always write, forever. 


Life isn't perfect, and I know that mine won't be. That much, I know, but I also know that nobody ever thinks something can be done, until it is actually done. I will do it. 








That being said, It will take a strong, unique, and maybe nonexistant man to love && deal with my
people analyzing,
music loving
tattoo and peircing having
surgery watching
..forever writing
contradictory of a person
self. 

Its the little things...

On new years day I sent out a mass text to some of the people in my phone. Being the writer that I am, I attempted to include some words of wisdom, and a message that I felt could and should be taken with them into the new year. But of course, everybody sends out mass texts on new years day so I wasn't really expecting mine to stand out....

Today, a month and two days later, as I was sitting in my Learning and Motivation classroom waiting for lecture to start, a girl that I would call an aquaintance at the most, someone who I texted mostly due to the fact that we studied for our Statistics final together, came and sat down next to me to inform me that the words I selected for that text message where written on the inside of her planner.

Wow.

...Its the little things, you never know when you are going to make an impact on somebody...words are so powerful,...more and more I am realizing that my words can, and do make a difference. I know that not everybody reads my blog, and I don't force it, I don't ask anyone to read my stuff, I put it out there knowing that I love to write, and that those who are meant to see and really understand the things I compose will...its not a popularity contest to me, all of my writing is rooted in the fact that I love to write...I love to put my thoughts down and share them with others, and when people truly appreciate my carefully chosen words, and use it for their own interpretation/growth i feel amazing. There's nothing better than sharing little pieces of your mind with others.

With that being said, God willing,.. I will write until the day I die. :)

Lol

Weezy Avatar ♥

is it bad that I think he is sexier as a creature from a distant planet that only exists in the imagination of james cameron?.....lol

Random.

Have you ever wished that there could be a day separate from the week, outside of our normal concept of time where we could just live, without worries, responsibiilities, or stress and... just be.

Come Back To The Middle.

I love India Arie

There's a Difference

Random fleeting thought...


There's a difference between being different, and trying to be different.
People trying to be other things will always be met with disappointment and unhappiness because they will never achieve that fulfillness that comes about as a result of being themselves.


Finally giving in and being yourself is like the feeling you get when you finally lay down and release all of the tension you've unknowingly built up in ur body over the course of the day. The relieving feeling almost hurts, but it hurts oh so good. Being the person you are supposed to be comes with many challenges and difficulities but who really cares, you are you and nobody can ever challenge that once its made true.


People need to learn how to just be




but before that happens
everyone has to learn how to accept-difference.
because believe it or not, its always those people who are trying to be different who are first to have something to say about someone who isn't like them.


think about it.

In The Spirit of Black History Month

I Need To Write

YES ♥

Isn't She So Cute! ♥

Love pt 1

Love is our own interpretation of those feelings we find most profound when found within the aspects of another person's personality that you value the most. Love is different to everyone. My "love" for someone i fall in love with will not be the same feeling in any way shape or form for somebody else who is in love with another person. Even people who have fallen in love with the same person will not feel the same way. Its so crazy to think about, but that's why love is so powerful, THAT is why being in love is so powerful, and is capable of making people do things they never fathomed they would do. 


Wow.


Knowing that -that- feeling will NEVER be the same as it is, if you were to no longer have that person in your life is devastating and in some cases almost impossible to deal with....which is why people strive to do whatever it takes to make it work with someone they are in love with, and to try to keep them in their lives. 


Knowing that that feeling is unique in itself and is forever attached to that person you allowed yourself to feel that way for is amazing. Knowing that that person's soul is imprinted with all of the necessary ingreedients necessary to make you feel that specific way, is catastrophically monumental...it almost hurts me to think about it.


but it must be an AMAZING feeling.
I hope i'm lucky enough to feel that way one day...

....and we didnt want to go out..SIlly Us.

The night is dead.
We have nothing to do
Get dressed we're going
I don't give a fuck
Last sip of UV
We leave.
She's fucked up
Walk to Greycliff
Run....to greycliff
fuck the bus, foster street
Party is dead
Unidentified black boy
CARL
he's so cute.
i want him.
Eagle escort
bluestone.
\my dick is shriveled
we in there.
hot.
sweaty
mad people
alcohol
mug,
supernova
beer
lots of beer
omg i want him
hot sweaty
middle
danced to slow songs
leave
shuttle, hot as fuck, mad fuckin people, he is cute too but i know he's not worth it at all
off the bus
lower for a lil
flirted
left
bud?
room
blast music. drunk white boys at door
lets go over!!!
we smoke in the common room
turn off the lights
red lights
coollest, illest chills spot
boy who deals in 208
cool as shit.
1 and a half shots
5 bowls
we're high
JASON DERUlO
chatteroulette dot com
limp dicks
girls named megan,kate,sam, i dont fuckin know, the cute one and the other one
JASON DERULO.
like shit
the boys of 323 make me realize why i am here.
college is about spontenaity, love, common inteersts, marijuana, and bringing people together. I LOVE THIS.

i love college....i love drinkin...i love smoking....i love college.

Our Deepest Fear

Our Deepest Fear is not that we are inadequate
Our Deepest Fear is that we are powerful...beyond measure.
It is not our darkness that most frightens us.
-You- playing small does not serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
Its not just in some of us its in everyone
And as we let our own lights shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence automatically liberates others.
-Nelson Mandela


This by far has to be my favorite quote of all time. I wish everyone could see it and really understand what it means.


All too often we suppress whatever it is within us that makes us special for fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, or even feeling those overwhelming emotions that are an inevitable outcome of realizing our passions.


What i find the most crazy aspect of this to be is that, it's the tiniest things that can lead to the realization of one's true passion. Its always those little thoughts in your head that you ignore and overlook because of the Biigger picture that end up being the source of your true passion. 

As much as we try to deny it, and suppress it in pursuit of the bigger picutre, our passions define who we are. That is something we cannot control but often times choose to ignore. Our characteristics and personalities right down to our mannerisms and our idiosyncracies are all manifestations of what we were placed on this earth to do/explore/engage in.

If you are passionate about something, PURSUE IT.
You only get ONE life to live DON'T let it go to waste.
Suppressing passions and desires leads to a mediocre existence.

♥ this man.

The Thickness

I love Jill Scott ♥ . She loves her body, and is open about her sexuality. She is the kind of woman that knows what she wants and won't ever settle for less. I wish all women could achieve this major defeat against society.

Lyrics.
Whoa!
She a big chick,
Big ol' legs,
Big ol' thighs,
Big ol' hips,
Big ol' ass,
Big ol' tits,

She so big!
Won’t nobody even try to reach her mind
Age 14,
Eyes green,
Young tender, supple, and fine,
Hear them,
all those oohs and ahhs slip as she lick her lips,
Oh, they want to fuck her,
The want to rub their dicks on her precious clitoris,
They want to watch them big gold titties settle and part a bit,
They want to talk about it,
Tell it,
Spread it,
Relive the conquest,
How they beat on that ass and how the knock that shit,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
To recognize that there’s more,
More underneath that thickness,
That sweet and round brown young tender thickness,

Now they like her quiet and eager,
Sweet and meagre,
Shhhhh!
Don’t you complain about my other women,
Just drop that big thick ass on my stiffness,
Make me nut all up on your gut with the quickness,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
Lift it,
Yea girl lift it,
Lift it baby,
Drop it again,
Cause I aint your tribesmen no more,
I aint your friend,
Come on girl just let me in,
Let me into all that thickness,
That sweet and round brown supple bigness,

Cause she so big won’t nobody even try to reach her mind,
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,

Let me say that again please:
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,
Cause every time she turns on the TV,
What does she see, big ol' booty,
And it don’t have nothing to do with the song,

Thus, her definition of beauty,
Thus, her definition of beauty,

Oh, oh, oh Lord,
Oh Lord,
Oh Lord,

Let her,
Let her recognize the magnificence you've created,
Lift her,
Lift her,
Lift her,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,
Lord, Lord,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,

Cause she is so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated

Ps. I'm Weird.

Ps. I am slowly comming to the realization that being wierd is not a bad thing at all. There are other wierd people out there. All wanting mental stimulation as I do. The things I do no doubt can be considered wierd and I feel as though the people 'they" see is someone I have carefully constructed and molded to cover my true essence for fear that I am not normal. But if there are two things that I am slowly comming to the realization of it is that I am both wierd and ready to show my true personality and do things because they are pleasing to me above all else. Als, it seems to be that in my mind I am destined for some sort of greatness and all of the confusion I've been feeling of late are here temporarlily. I WILL BE GREAT. If I could write for the rest of my life, I really do feel like I would be content. 


It has been right in front of my face my whole life. I am not normal. Its taken me this long to turn around and stare this fact in the face. I just hope it doesn't take me as long to figue out just exactly what this weirdness means. For now, I am going to EMBRACE MY WEIRDNESS.




Maybe my fear of embracing myself however wierd I may be stems from the idea that maybe I won't like myself. But honestly, I don't like myself being afraid to be the person that I truly am. Because being afraid to be the person you truly are is probably the worst feeling ever. 

Stimulation

I think my inability to form close and lasting relationships with people comes parlty from the fact that I have a passion for things that stimulate my brain in new and exciting ways. I am unable to form relationships with people who don't stimulate my brain and make me thing of things in ways i've never thought of before. All other relationships I have-excluding familial relationships are superficial essentially. If I don't want to be around someone a lot or often, it is probalby because they don't stimulate my mind. Looking at the world in life in general from all different angles and perspectives is a great thing. It is more than that, it is beautiful. Lately I've been realizing more and more that the missing object often times in my life is stimulation. I love the feeling that arises as a consequence of exploring the depths of my mind and whatever other asects of myself that make me a living entity. With all of these feelings and ideas, swimming around my head just waiting to be discovered, One of the most satisfying experiences I've had as of late have to do with discoverig that my thoughts and the way I view the world could be enhanced and changed for the better with the presence of others who are equally as motivated to explore the dangers that lie outside the box.


Reaching an understanding with someone based off of these desires and ideas is the culmination of all the good feelings a person feels in the time spand of a month. I begin to feel dead inside when I do not feel the motivtion and desire that are characteristic of the rush I get when I discover something about my everyday life that I so causally have overlooked in my 20 years of existence. Subsequent evaulations of these everday phenomenon lead me to ask hoards of questions all begingin with the words "what if" and followed b explanations full of "and thens" and "maybes" with a few "buts" sprinkled in there to keep things interesting and to cover all the baeses. 


There are so many things in the world left to be thought about. Use your imagination to think of the things nobody has ever thought of before. No matter how crazy,ridiculous or insane. Ideaas are ideas and nothing great has ever been deciphered or discovered without the formulation of ideas.

I felt this way once.

When I look back at the things I wrote in my times of depression, I think of how far I've come and all of the things that have allowed me to move on and to work towards being myself. I love it that I choose to write whenever I'm feeling any type of emotion, because I can always go back and read the things I wrote and be either happy that I felt that way at one time, or be greatful that I was able to come out of it. This next entry, was something I wrote when I was at one of the lowest points of mylife, somethng I wrote when I was feeling both confused and depressed at the same time. A time when most of my confusion came from the fact that I was in fact depressed and the feeling that I would never come out of it because I couldn't pinpoint one thing jn  particular that was making me feel this way. Now that i've come to terms with life, and am begining to figure things out, I look at this entry and I feel a little sad that I was actually feeling that way at one time, and elated at how things have turned around, and the almost overwhelming feeling that I can take control of my life, nobody is in control but me. This is me. 

Lately, I've been feeling some type of way-unhappy. For some reason I can't seem to come up with a time period in my life that I have been genuinely happy in. For some rason all I can remember are short periods of happiness followed by a lot of unhappiness. Why can't I just be happy? I'm fucking frustrtated with every aspect of my life....looks, relationships,school. Why is it that I am still faced with the fear of failure even when I know that I am trying my hardest? Why does my goal of becomming a doctror seem more and more unattainable as each day goes by? Why do I look in the mirror and have deep feelings of unsatisfaction? Why is it that I can't seem to form romantic relationships with people that don't have to do with my vagina? 


Why is my EVERY move calculated and planned? I think this may be the worst I've felt in a long time. THat along with this almost unbearable feeling of loneliness makes me feel like I'll never come out of this. I honestly don't know what triggered this, and I honestly,don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm sick and tired of acting a certain way because that's how I feel like I should be acting. Im sick of being met with disappointment within every aspect of my life. My happiness shouldn't rely on other people but a lot of times it does, and I don't know how to fix it.


Everyone is annoying me. I just want to go far far away. Escape my body and "friends"...EVERYBODY. and just leave. I need to stop doing things to please OTHER people. Sometime's I just don't understand why it is that I feel some type of way..I don't comprehend because there was a time when I was happy and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I was comfortable with ym body because I always was. How am i not now? I was happy with my performance in school because it reflected how smart I am-Now it doesn't.
I'm just not happy.




Wow.I've come along way. Reading this has showed me how much of an internal person I am. A lot of things go on in my amusement park brain, and honestly, it just seems like I have a hard time leaving it. And I don't think its a bad thing. My internalizations are represented outwardly through my writing and I make it through. <3 words, and writing. I am so greatful. 

The Mirror Will Be My Friend One Day

"Before Im with anybody, I want to not give a fuck.
Because if you learn to not give a fuck when you're with somebody, they have all of the power."
-yours truly.


I am a member of the female species. There are certain undeniable and inevitable things that come along with being a female. Insecurities dominate our gender because of many things, mostly though because of societal structures and those memebers of the opposite sex. I'm not going to sit here and point fingers at anybody for the insecurities us females hold collectively along with those that I hold personally. Insecurities are what they are. They are just another obstacle in life that we have to learn to defeat. For some it is more difficult than others, but its a struggle nonetheless. The insecurities I hold as a female, in terms of my looks, personality, etc, are just another aspect of my life that I have to learn to cope with and eventually get over. I want to be able to say that I love every aspect of myself but as I get older, and wiser, and learn things about the world around me, I am slowly comming to the realization that I may never be completely comfortable with all aspects of myself. 


There are weeks when I'm completely comfortable with myself. I call these weeks good body weeks. Those are the best. They are the times when I can look in the mirror and appreciate all of my curves, imperfections, and blemishes all as components that make up  who i am. Other weeks i struggle, with the image of myself that is reflected back at me in the mirror. Thoughts like "what if I didn't have this" or" what if this were gone" or "maybe i should work on eating one meal a day this week and see how much weight I can lose" . All of these are things that pass through my mind during those low times. But through it all, there is always that tiny, almost inaudible voice in the back of my head that is telling me that I should not be thinking this way, and that its ridiculous to starve myself in order to make myself feel better when i gaze into an object that shows me a reflection. 


Sitting there, you may judge me and think that I am an insecure person and maybe I am, but I'm going to be slightly "childish" and say WHO ISN'T? The main problem with insecurities and bad body images, that I see with the female gender is that a lot of times it has to do with how we are viewed by the opposite sex. Men are extremely cut throat and honest when it comes to what they like and what they don't like. The idea of what is Attractive and what is Non attractive is everywhere around us. And it leads females to alter themselves drastically in order to feel "comfortable" in their own skin around others. I am completely fine, wearing not a slight bit of makeup when I am alone, yet in order to feel "comfortable" in..the world, I always have to throw SOMETHING on before I leave my room. Girls do it everyday. For some its more extreme than others, but every girl has insecurities. 


The comfortablity that arises due to the alterations that one makes to one's body is so fake and superficial and a lot of the time that it turns into a viscious cycle. Adhering to the societal standards that make us want to alter our bodies eats away at any possiblity of pure confidence that we may gain because it is overshadowed by the false sense of comfortablilty that arises from us NOT being ourselves and not LIKING ourselves.


Insecurity is one of the most dangerous aspects of humanity. I say this because, low self-esteem as a result of insecurities ends up being a one way street for many girls and when a male figure decides to travel down this one way street, the results can be painfully dangerous. If that male figure, decides to take a turn down another street, leaving that insecure one way street abandoned, self-esteem is apt to turn from low to nonexistant. 


this is when we see those girls who fall in love hard and fast with any guy who shows them an ounce of attention. The latch on and hold on for dear life, failing to realize that Men are not stupid, and they can see right through us 95% of the time. Its like, insecurity sends off hormonal signals into the air and those males who smell it out and seek out the owners know. They know what type of girl you are, they know what they could get away with, and most of the time they know that they have to get in and get out before insecurty takes over and you turn into a leech. 


I refuse to be one of those girls, who sits there and waits for a man to make her feel better. My insecuritie are just that..MINE. I refuse to let a male, solve this issue for me, and I refuse to allow myself to slip into that almost irrevocable hole that is low-self esteem. I have a lot to work on, and a lot of hate to rid myself of, but its almost like subconsciously, well consciously now, I won't allow myself to get into anything that would force me to have my emotions tied to another person because my insecurities will no doubt make themselves known.


Self will, and forced confidence is how I have made it thus far without attaining any serious eating disorders, or turn to alternative modes of self therapy. I would be lying if I said I never tried diet pills, and facial masks, of if I said i never replaced a meal with 2 or 3 cigarretes because they cut off appetites. But there are times, for me it was this past summer, when you just aren't happy with yourself. I vow, to be happy WITH MYSELF before I am happy with ANYBODY else. The love I am capable of giving even at times when I don't love myself is monumental and ALMOST scary. I can just imagine what I am capable of if I were to learn to love myself one hundred percent of the time. I am going to make somebody extremely and utterly happy one day, and that thought alone is enough to put a smile on my face. Although I am not unhappy with myself, persay, I'm a girl, and I have insecurities. I face them everyday, and let them know that I am ready to defeat them and move on, that way they will never win. I'm a stubborn person, and i will not waver in this battle. The mirror WILL BE my friend one day.

steel

My eyes. they tell a story.
You can look into them, and know,
-something-
about me.
I look into those choclaty and murky brown eyes and I'm met with steel.
A barrier, so carefully constructed and maintained with every word of truth and honesty you speak.
I feel uneasy.
You scare me.
All things i've said before.
My great mountain of a challenge packed into a slim figure.
I'm met with steel when I look into your eyes and I don't know what to do.
Baby, what IS your masterplan
You aren't the type to say things just to say them.
You are working towards something,

I would appreciate
it.
if you would...
fill me in.


What scares me the most is the possibility that you may not even know its there
So you hurting me might be inevitable.
I want to love you though,
to allow myself to love you
our personalities intertwine like no other
my laugh is so easy with you
i think twice only to strategize
how do I outsmart you next
its beautiful really,
that we can do that to eachother.
light a match baby, 
spark a flame of excitement over our fuel...understanding.
this is a dangerous combination our kind of people being content with being ourselves, 
-with- eachother
Our-selves are meant to be dance partners
yet i can't see behind those murky brown eyes of yours.
will I ever allow myself to feel this way?
I know i could love you.
I know you could make me love you.
Do I have a choice?

You Scare Me

YOU. scare me.

Your honesty, and willingness to tell me things most would shy away from,

THAT scares me.

With every spoken word of honesty, i have less and less of a reason to question what you say to me.

You are one of the few people, who is good with honesty.

Your eyes are untelling, a murky brown 

Black to those who don't care enough to take a second look.

The first time I looked into them, I knew you were dangerous.., 
..but i liked it.

So murky, I can't tell what lies behind them.

It is so intriguing, like a curtin leading into a dark room.

...Always been afraid of the dark..

I hate the dark, but strangely..., I want to walk in.

My state becomes more and more trance-like the closer I get.

Will I be able to navigate in the darkness?

Your smile is so easy, the corners of your lips curve up with such simplicity...

It tugs at my soul ever so slightly, making me long for you.. and I find myself being mesmerized by your presence.

I breathe in real deep and let the comfortablity ur smile has created allow me to be myself.

All of these things, are weapons that you could use against me, 

artillerary for -you-...., the enemy to fight me with...

unknowingly I will become a soldier in ur army, adhering to your commands, 

to love you..

want you...

need you....

-be with you-..

-all- of these things, unknowingly,

Your demeanor makes it hard for anyone to say no.

It is so dominating and passive at the same time.

You are the definition of the calm before the storm.

And i'm feeling so uneasy..

Right now its great. But will I be swept away in a disaster?

In my world, not all storms are violent,

but you never know...

Good liars, have to be good honest people first..

The Reason Why...

You scare me.