My safe harbour

The nightime is slowly becomming my enemy. I can't busy myself like I can during the day, there are less distractions durin the night, as people tuck themselves into bed, and let the stresses of their lives escape them for a few hours while they slumber. It isn't quite the same for me. I thought i was okay and indifferent to the news I recieved the other day, the news that made me realized that I was devieved and deliberatly lied to somebody who I had put complete trust and faith in. When i say complete and total trust, that is exactly what I mean. I thought I would not be somebody that he would lie to, I thought that the thought would never cross his mind, knowing that I love(d) him and that I did in fact trust him with,   my life. The lack of denial and the lack of reassurance on his part is what hurts the most. He is more preoccupied about where I heard the information from, perhaps so he could know what stories he could fabriacte, and what he could omit all together and what he HAD to admit to. I won't give him the pleasure. Its like he doesnt even care how i feel. Doesnt even care that I legit just layed in bed for a good 3 hours hoping he would call and confess it all, so that maybe I could get some sleep, and that maybe I could even my breathing to a normal pace, shy of  hyperventilation. HIs course of action is clearly unknown to the both of us. and I'm not exactly sure if i can ever forgive him. Partly because i know his lack of answers is stemming from the fact that this may be bigger than I thought. So in essence, his silence is speaking tremendous volumes, more than his lack of silence would speak. I wonder if he knows that. The confidence I had in myself, and in us, seems to be all but a fascade at this point, and I feel stupid for ever allowing myself to feel that way. I always looked at him as my safe harbour, but its funny how my safe harbour is turning out to be the most violent place for my heart right now. None of the other guys that I've ever talked to could inflict this much pain on me, I wouldn't allow it. But i guess that's the risk I took when i let myself get comfortable with being in love, when i let myself be free in front of him letting all guards down. Thats the risk I knowinly took, so whose to blame here? This could of all been avoided had he been honest in the first place. but that's the thing, He didnt know how to be honest cuz the honest truth isn't somethin I want to hear, obviously. This makes my heart heavy, and my breathing? Yeah that speeds up considerably too. Why? well, I think i've answered that question already. I no longer have a safe harbour, and I now am forced to fend for myself. From now on, I don't think I believe in safe harbours, there are no such things.

...An impasse

Sometimes we get so caught up in what other people think is right and you in turn start to believe it. All the while, ignoring that tiny voice in your head alarming you that something just isn't right. ...I can stand being lied to, for the most part. People lie to me every day, and that's fine with me because when it comes to certain things, I believe there are only certain people who deserve to know the truth. So, even when I know somebody is lying to me, I take it, and go along with it because I know that maybe I don't deserve to know the truth, and that's fine. But when somebody who claims to love me with all their heart, lies to me, and I have to find out unexpectedly in the worst way possible. i find myself suddenly unable to breath. Drowning with no water in sight. Waves of emotion washed over me as I came to the discovery that all the things that came out of his mouth in the past couple months have been lies, I went from being angry to being numb, to being hysterical, laughing like somebody had just told a really good joke. An now? now, i'm at an impasse. Where do I go from here, I can feel the tears bulding up behind my eyeballs but I keep pushing them back. Its not worth it. I want nothing more now than to just talk, no, YELL at him until i lose my voice, be in his presence so i can slap that stupid look on his face when he tries to deny it all. Sure i've thought of all the possiblities that maybe, just maybe, I could be wrong. But I, Dahyana Paul, am no idiot and although I may ignore subtle sighns here and there, I do not run away from clear cut signs when I see them. But still, a part of me is wondering, if this could be true. Sure we weren't together, and sure he had the right to do whatever he wanted, and that's great. But I told him from the jump...when it comes to this relationship don't lie to me. We were "talking" again and working towards MAYBE getting into a relationship in the future (even if i hadn't found out it probably wasn't going to happen) and of course, the topic of our sex lives came up once or twice, not blatanlty but it came up once or twice about how we behaved or didn't behave in our 6 months of avoiding eachother after a breakup following a 2 year relationship. "I dont have casual sex" "It doesnt mean anything to me" " I couldn't talk to so many girls because they reminded me of you" all bullshit lies that he fed to me. for wat? in hopes of reeling me back in? He think's he's smarter than me....has more street smarts, and is good at decieving. That may all be good and true, but as my mother always said, The truth always finds its way to those who are innocent. So, here i am, staring at the truth right in the face. Awesome. I guess the truth really does have a way of landing in the hands of those who dwell in the dark with all the lies, I was unaware of how completley and utterly in the dark I was. I honestly feel kind of like a fool, to believe that I really had such power over him with the love that we shared the he would NEVER lie to me. And as i read back upon that sentance I begin to realize that IM FUCKING STUPID. but its okay, because I have learned, through years and eyars of making mistakes what it takes people lifetime's to learn, I have learned how to never make the same mistake twice. I have learned how to cope with the debilitating blow that can come about when you realized that a mistake you have made has caused your own pain, and I have learned how to cope with that pain in the inevitable times that it does occur. And now, I must learn how to turn my heart to ice, and how to stay on my toes, never expecting anything of anybody. My mother is looking more and more like the smartest person I know as I quote her again "I've been married to your father for Xyears (i've lost count) and until this day, I cannot say I know him". Smart woman. I REALLY need to start listening to her more often. But as I was saying, I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle the situation, seeing that I have texted him and have gotten no response. I REALLY hate when people think I am stupid and when people underestimate my intelligence, moreover I hate when people purposefulyl try to be tactful and keep things from me in order to gain something themselves. This is why he wouldn't let me blame myself for the breakup(s) of the past, because he was guilty of all the lying he did. FINE. he can continue to tell lies all he wants, but it won't be to me because I'm done. And I can say that with the confidence in knowing that I am the best he ever had (thank you drake) and the best he ever will have. I am far to classy, far to beautiful, and far too much of a good catch for his ass. In ever sense of the word. Maybe its time for me to listen to my parents, and all of the peoople who have been telling me all along that I could and will have better. "He's not good enough for you" "You're too good for him" "Dahyana you are going to be a doctor, find somebody that will compliment you the way you are supposed to be complimented" "Dahy, I kno he has a good personality but honestly he's not that cute" and all the while i fought for him, not because they were wrong but because I thought he truly cared and loved me the way he said he did, but honestly, if that was the case, I'm pretty sure, I wouldn't be at an impasse at the moment. No more impasses. I'm moving on, and dont intend to look back.

Got some things to get off my chest.....

So its officially summer now. Finals are over, school is over, and i've "successfully" completed my first year of college. Woohoo! All of these things are positives that my fellow peers are celebrating at the moment, but I've been unable to find myself relieved, and subsequently been unable to find myself in celebration mode. I JUST HAVE TOO MUCH ON MY MIND.  So, ive been thinking alot about my future, and my future career, and im begining to realize how much of a freaking IDIOT ive been for even considereing NOT being a doctor. Its what im supposed to be, its my purpose in life. When i think of curing people, and literally saving other people's lives i legit almost cry. Not many people know that about me. Which brings me to the next subject. Not many people know me at all, and I of course can't blame anybody for that but me. I honestly lost sight of my goals and who I am as a person. But i will say I didn't do it on purpose. I guess this is the whole stage of "finding yourself" that i currently find myself in...slowly but surely inching out of. But honestly, if i do say so myself....Shit sucks. Just when you think you've figured it all out, something creeps up from behind and says NAH BITCH thats not you, try again. It really began to take a toll on me. But i honestly didn't realize how much of a toll it took until i was sitting back, looking at my grades and thinking, wow, the Dahyana a year ago would NOT have settled for a C in this class. OF course that was highschool but still, the sight of a C on my report card would send me crying into my room for hours. In fact, I remember in elementary school, I got a D or an F on some sort of assignment, probably a coloring one because I couldn't stay inside the lines for the life of me, and as I walked out of the building towards my mother, I showed her the grade, and before she could say ANYTHING at all, i bursted into tears. All the way home i cried. My mother wasn't in the slightest bit dissappointed in me at all, she never was the type to belittle me when I failed at any thing, though they were rare occassions. The point is, in my lost and confused state, I became complascent with being average and being just like everybody else. I was never like anybody else, and though it made me uncomfortable, it essentially made me who i was. Now, I was thrust into a world on my own, where I chose to surround myself with people who looked like me, and acted the way i thought I wanted to act, the result being, I was okay with being just like them. So, is this the point when I look back and say, "well although i consider freshman year a failure, I can say its a type of blessing now, because I've found myself and I've found the problem." But for some reason when i say all that i can't help but think that its nothing but a cop out and i dont feel any better than before. If i could count the number of times I have said I wish i could turn back time, and do this all over again, I'd be counting for days. Thats human nature after all, to make mistakes and to look back upon them wishing you would have done things just a slight bit differently, approached the situation at a different angle, or just flat out avoided the whole shebang. I think freshman year, and all of its mistakes will be with me for a REALLY long time. The anxiety i'll feel as i wait for my acceptance or rejection letters from various medical schools around the country, or even around the world will be due majorly to my freshman year and my performance. I do believe I can bounce back. As long as i stay focused, and don't let the little things distract me like they did this year. SELF CONTROL is my new favorite phrase, if that even counts as a phrase. I've been exercising it when it comes to sex, so why can't i when it comes to going out on the weekends. To be honest, there arent many weekends that i've spent at BC that i remember vividly, they all sort of just blend together. So.....what was the point? Of course I need to have fun here and there, but honestly, your girl needs legit 4.0s every semester from now on. I may fall off once or twice (realistically speaking) BUT, i WILL get into med school 3 years from now, and I WILL be a doctor. If im not saving lives in the future i better bed dead or in a coma, because that's the only way it'll be acceptable.

SPEAKING of the future. I have also noticed that too much of my PRESENT is prioritized upon making my future the way I envision it. Crazy right, your probably thinking this bitch doesn't know what she wants. But...i do.  Let me explain what i mean. I meet a boy, he's cute, but then my mind automatically goes to, "is he marriage material". IM CRAZY. like....are you serious? Im 19 years old, and I'm thinking of the type of man i want my future husband to be. Of course in normal in teenage girls but come on now. EVERY GUY? geesh. My friends are all cool with just talking to a guy and jus having it be that, most of them are anyway, yet im sitting here like, If i were to get serious with this one, my life would suck because he's this kind of person and I wont have a good marriage. Like really though? i mean i guess its good because i weed out a lot of the bad seeds but along the way im terribly lonely. There are nights where i just wish I had somebody to call, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, so my heart can skip beats as i fall asleep. There are days when i wish  i had somebody to go see, somebody who i could just lay there with without saying a word, knowing that no words are necessary because the energy between us is enough. Ok so now im getting mushy, but honestly thats what I want. And i do realize that you don't always get what you want, DUH. im almost 19 years old, i figured that out when i didnt get the pink barbie car when i was like 7. The thing is, I know that i will have it, one day. Im just not a very patient person. I'm not one to base my happiness upon my interaction with others, that is, im not one to admit that is the case much of the time. But behind my strong independant woman, i dont need a man to make me feel good, i'm good by myself, he aint shit, persona....there is the girl or, AHEM, woman who honeslty wouldnt mind some TLC from someone who wants to give it to me for all the right reasons. I dont think that's too much to ask for, it just might be too much to ask for, immediately. I guess i'll wait?...

Facebook Note Transfered: Random Thoughts on Men, Women, Relationships etc..

Here are a few issues that I thought id dispell upon after having multiple conversations with people and subsequently becomming angry aboutt what came out of their mouths. smh.

The other day i was talking to my boy, and when i disclosed to him that I was done with being single and messin around and what not he called me crazy and said that because I was in college i was SUPPOSED to just live it up and have my fun and that relationships can't last in college.

PAUSE: Lets think about this for a second. I agree with this PARTIALLY. I think its essential for everyone to have as much time as they need to get everything out of their system before they finally settle down and cool their jets. BUT it is in NO way impossible to have a solid relationship in college. Everyone is different. Some need to be on their own, make mistakes and mature/grow older and wiser before they can finally give their all to somebody. ALSO. I have a lot of older guy friends/family members and the consensus seems to be that the older you get the more dating becomes a business. Instead of looking for that one person who they love and cherish, as you get older it becomes the person that can provide financially, the person who will compliment your lifestyle and career choice, the person that will look good at company parties. Its sad, but its so true. Dont get me wrong, people still find love at older ages, it jus becomes increasingly difficult with age. Its an age old dillema, People fall in love in their early years, lets say around high school or college and because they arent ready for a lifetime commitment they let that person go, fastforward 10 years later, and that person you let go is getting married to someone else, you realize they were the one, and you are all alone. SHIT SUCKS. Now my question is, where is all of the messing around, being on that playa playa status gonna land you? The answer is: ALONE. If you do find someone to marry, you will most likely convince yourself that you are in fact in love with this person when in reality, you are subconsciously convincing yourself of this.You build a life with that person that you have CONVINCED yourself that you love and maybe it works out for you, and mayb it ends up in divorce. who knows. but honestly wouldn't you have been better off with that person that you KNEW you loved back in the days instead of the person you convinced yourself that you loved. What i'm trying to say is, dont hold back your feelings for sumbody for fear of giving up that lifestyle that you feel you HAVE to live due to the atmosphere that you presently find yourself in.You will live to regeret it.


Next topic on the burner: Cheating. (*WINCE*TWITCH*SHUDDER*)

My boy the other day (god love him) said that "some girls overreact to their man cheating"

--->(haitian accent)WOOOOOiiiii  MESAMI. Can i just say that if a man where to EVER cheat on me...id FUCK HIS SHIT UP then id fuck THE BITCH UP then id key his car, then id slash his tires, then id cut off his dick and put it down the garbage disposal. If u are with me ur with me and only me.

Okayyy ok. maybe that was a lil DRAMATIC of me. I probably wouldnt do ALL of the things listed above because i'd probaly get arrested before i could carry out all of the tasks...but honestly If u wanna stick ur dick in sumthin else that isnt me, thats fine. break up with me first, be a man and keep it real, let me know that you're not mature enough for a relationship and you aren't done being a lil boy and being on ur playa playa status. I'll respect your decision, you can do you, and i'll do me. ITS A MATTER OF RESPECT. If i take him back..who's to say he wont do it again. Human nature is to test other humans, subconsciously once u realize that the girl has taken you back, in the back of your mind you'll be more tempted to do it again hoping for the same outcome. Bottom line: I dont fair well with cheaters. =) Cheating is the ultimate fuck you in a relationship. And the excuses like "baby i was drunk" "baby it didnt mean n e thing." "baby i love you" baby, baby BABY. NIGGA SHUT THE FUCK UP. Sex is ALWAYS premediated in some way shape or form. Your dinky doesnt jus randomly end up in hole on its own. The shrugging of your shoulders and that childish look on your face as you say "oops!" doesnt cut it. For real though fellas. Its understandable. WE ALL HAVE NEEDS. but damn. If it comes to the point where your girl can't satisfy these needs have a convo with her, have her dress up as a french maid or sumthin (oo la la) SPICE SHIT UP. If that isnt the problem mayb its time to end the relationship. Just dont let it get to the point where you have to cheat on her. That not only makes her look FUCKIN DUMB cuz she's over there thinking you care about her, its a strike to your personality and the type of man you are. Personally, if a guy used me to cheat on his girlfriend (which would be completely innocent on my part cuz i wouldnt have any idea that he had a girl) and I found out? I'd cut him off REAL quick. If he was able to cheat on his girl with me, its obvious WE wouldnt be goin n e where either.

Disclaimer: Yes people do make mistakes, but it is important for people whose mistakes are cheating to realize that there is something wrong with it and to try to correct it. Find the souree of it whether its deeply rooted in somethin within you or its just that you are bored. The worse thing to do when you've made a mistake is to get defensive about it and to repress the fact that you actually shouldn't have done it. Making excuses for yourself or blamming someone else for your mistakes are fullproof ways in ensuring that you'll never change.



Issue Number 3
GIRLS THAT ARE MAD CLINGY

Ok so my bffl for life told me that the reason why he's still single is the fact that girls are mad clingy and get mad if their man dont make every breathing moment about them and that girls in general ask for too much..

---> My answer to this is STOP FUCKIN WITH WACK ASS BITCHES.
Just like ya'll don't like for us to say that ALL men are this or ALL men are that. Dont say that the fact that your single has to do with the fact that ALL girls are clingy or w.e. THATS FALSE. Yeah there are some girls out there who FORCE THEIR LIVES but honestly there are guys out there who are on the same status. Personally i like a man who is on his own shit academically, socially, mentally, and financially. I dont want every waking moment to be spent on me, I got my own shit to do. Dont get me wrong, its nice to know that someone is thinkin about you with a quick text that says "baby i love you call u later tonite' WE GREW UP WITH THIS TECHNOLOGY. It takes about 5 seconds max to send that. not long at all. Now its a diff story if i know u aint got SHIT to do and you're just ignoring me. But. then the case would be that i wouldn't be with ur ass cuz i want a man thats productive. As do most of my ladies out there (get it girls!) As for my clingy ladies out there. give it up. It may have been cute at the beginin of the relationship when the guy was jus tryna smash or when he legit jus thought u were being cute. Let it go, if you have enough time on your hands to make the man ur one and only focus throughout the day you have some serious reevaluation of your life to do. As to the guys who use this as an excuse as to why ur still single. Save it for the next broad and think harder cuz this excuse isn't cuttin it.

This is my first one

So, This is my first blog entry! Yay. I am relatively new to the world of blogging, My friends have blogs but i've never really been into them. I do write though, ALOT. Many people don't know that about me. Writing is my outlet. Always has been. I free write, write my thoughts down when i'm having a bad day, or when im having a good day, sometimes i just write for the hell of it. Its gotten to the point where i'll wake up in the middle of the night and write. (dont tell my roomates haha)This blog isn't going to be about one thing in particular. Its jus going to be una mezcla of my thoughts and short stories and whatever issues I feel i need to bring to the forefront. I feel that blogs are starting to get a little overrated. Everywhere I look it seems someone new is posting the link to their blog on their facebook status. Yes I'm being a hypocrit by adding to the status quo, however, I've recently decided to share some of my pieces with the general public or whoever will take time out of their day to read it. I dont expect this to blow up and I dont expect all of my friends to read it cuz quite frankly, i dont read some of my friends blogs on the regular. So bascially what i'm saying is, I love to write, im opening the door, and whoever wants to read it is free to do so. If that means that nobody will read it that's fine with me. Im doing this for myself more than any thing. Enjoy. and happy reading. 

-Dahyana