My safe harbour

The nightime is slowly becomming my enemy. I can't busy myself like I can during the day, there are less distractions durin the night, as people tuck themselves into bed, and let the stresses of their lives escape them for a few hours while they slumber. It isn't quite the same for me. I thought i was okay and indifferent to the news I recieved the other day, the news that made me realized that I was devieved and deliberatly lied to somebody who I had put complete trust and faith in. When i say complete and total trust, that is exactly what I mean. I thought I would not be somebody that he would lie to, I thought that the thought would never cross his mind, knowing that I love(d) him and that I did in fact trust him with,   my life. The lack of denial and the lack of reassurance on his part is what hurts the most. He is more preoccupied about where I heard the information from, perhaps so he could know what stories he could fabriacte, and what he could omit all together and what he HAD to admit to. I won't give him the pleasure. Its like he doesnt even care how i feel. Doesnt even care that I legit just layed in bed for a good 3 hours hoping he would call and confess it all, so that maybe I could get some sleep, and that maybe I could even my breathing to a normal pace, shy of  hyperventilation. HIs course of action is clearly unknown to the both of us. and I'm not exactly sure if i can ever forgive him. Partly because i know his lack of answers is stemming from the fact that this may be bigger than I thought. So in essence, his silence is speaking tremendous volumes, more than his lack of silence would speak. I wonder if he knows that. The confidence I had in myself, and in us, seems to be all but a fascade at this point, and I feel stupid for ever allowing myself to feel that way. I always looked at him as my safe harbour, but its funny how my safe harbour is turning out to be the most violent place for my heart right now. None of the other guys that I've ever talked to could inflict this much pain on me, I wouldn't allow it. But i guess that's the risk I took when i let myself get comfortable with being in love, when i let myself be free in front of him letting all guards down. Thats the risk I knowinly took, so whose to blame here? This could of all been avoided had he been honest in the first place. but that's the thing, He didnt know how to be honest cuz the honest truth isn't somethin I want to hear, obviously. This makes my heart heavy, and my breathing? Yeah that speeds up considerably too. Why? well, I think i've answered that question already. I no longer have a safe harbour, and I now am forced to fend for myself. From now on, I don't think I believe in safe harbours, there are no such things.