...An impasse

Sometimes we get so caught up in what other people think is right and you in turn start to believe it. All the while, ignoring that tiny voice in your head alarming you that something just isn't right. ...I can stand being lied to, for the most part. People lie to me every day, and that's fine with me because when it comes to certain things, I believe there are only certain people who deserve to know the truth. So, even when I know somebody is lying to me, I take it, and go along with it because I know that maybe I don't deserve to know the truth, and that's fine. But when somebody who claims to love me with all their heart, lies to me, and I have to find out unexpectedly in the worst way possible. i find myself suddenly unable to breath. Drowning with no water in sight. Waves of emotion washed over me as I came to the discovery that all the things that came out of his mouth in the past couple months have been lies, I went from being angry to being numb, to being hysterical, laughing like somebody had just told a really good joke. An now? now, i'm at an impasse. Where do I go from here, I can feel the tears bulding up behind my eyeballs but I keep pushing them back. Its not worth it. I want nothing more now than to just talk, no, YELL at him until i lose my voice, be in his presence so i can slap that stupid look on his face when he tries to deny it all. Sure i've thought of all the possiblities that maybe, just maybe, I could be wrong. But I, Dahyana Paul, am no idiot and although I may ignore subtle sighns here and there, I do not run away from clear cut signs when I see them. But still, a part of me is wondering, if this could be true. Sure we weren't together, and sure he had the right to do whatever he wanted, and that's great. But I told him from the jump...when it comes to this relationship don't lie to me. We were "talking" again and working towards MAYBE getting into a relationship in the future (even if i hadn't found out it probably wasn't going to happen) and of course, the topic of our sex lives came up once or twice, not blatanlty but it came up once or twice about how we behaved or didn't behave in our 6 months of avoiding eachother after a breakup following a 2 year relationship. "I dont have casual sex" "It doesnt mean anything to me" " I couldn't talk to so many girls because they reminded me of you" all bullshit lies that he fed to me. for wat? in hopes of reeling me back in? He think's he's smarter than me....has more street smarts, and is good at decieving. That may all be good and true, but as my mother always said, The truth always finds its way to those who are innocent. So, here i am, staring at the truth right in the face. Awesome. I guess the truth really does have a way of landing in the hands of those who dwell in the dark with all the lies, I was unaware of how completley and utterly in the dark I was. I honestly feel kind of like a fool, to believe that I really had such power over him with the love that we shared the he would NEVER lie to me. And as i read back upon that sentance I begin to realize that IM FUCKING STUPID. but its okay, because I have learned, through years and eyars of making mistakes what it takes people lifetime's to learn, I have learned how to never make the same mistake twice. I have learned how to cope with the debilitating blow that can come about when you realized that a mistake you have made has caused your own pain, and I have learned how to cope with that pain in the inevitable times that it does occur. And now, I must learn how to turn my heart to ice, and how to stay on my toes, never expecting anything of anybody. My mother is looking more and more like the smartest person I know as I quote her again "I've been married to your father for Xyears (i've lost count) and until this day, I cannot say I know him". Smart woman. I REALLY need to start listening to her more often. But as I was saying, I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle the situation, seeing that I have texted him and have gotten no response. I REALLY hate when people think I am stupid and when people underestimate my intelligence, moreover I hate when people purposefulyl try to be tactful and keep things from me in order to gain something themselves. This is why he wouldn't let me blame myself for the breakup(s) of the past, because he was guilty of all the lying he did. FINE. he can continue to tell lies all he wants, but it won't be to me because I'm done. And I can say that with the confidence in knowing that I am the best he ever had (thank you drake) and the best he ever will have. I am far to classy, far to beautiful, and far too much of a good catch for his ass. In ever sense of the word. Maybe its time for me to listen to my parents, and all of the peoople who have been telling me all along that I could and will have better. "He's not good enough for you" "You're too good for him" "Dahyana you are going to be a doctor, find somebody that will compliment you the way you are supposed to be complimented" "Dahy, I kno he has a good personality but honestly he's not that cute" and all the while i fought for him, not because they were wrong but because I thought he truly cared and loved me the way he said he did, but honestly, if that was the case, I'm pretty sure, I wouldn't be at an impasse at the moment. No more impasses. I'm moving on, and dont intend to look back.