Got some things to get off my chest.....

So its officially summer now. Finals are over, school is over, and i've "successfully" completed my first year of college. Woohoo! All of these things are positives that my fellow peers are celebrating at the moment, but I've been unable to find myself relieved, and subsequently been unable to find myself in celebration mode. I JUST HAVE TOO MUCH ON MY MIND.  So, ive been thinking alot about my future, and my future career, and im begining to realize how much of a freaking IDIOT ive been for even considereing NOT being a doctor. Its what im supposed to be, its my purpose in life. When i think of curing people, and literally saving other people's lives i legit almost cry. Not many people know that about me. Which brings me to the next subject. Not many people know me at all, and I of course can't blame anybody for that but me. I honestly lost sight of my goals and who I am as a person. But i will say I didn't do it on purpose. I guess this is the whole stage of "finding yourself" that i currently find myself in...slowly but surely inching out of. But honestly, if i do say so myself....Shit sucks. Just when you think you've figured it all out, something creeps up from behind and says NAH BITCH thats not you, try again. It really began to take a toll on me. But i honestly didn't realize how much of a toll it took until i was sitting back, looking at my grades and thinking, wow, the Dahyana a year ago would NOT have settled for a C in this class. OF course that was highschool but still, the sight of a C on my report card would send me crying into my room for hours. In fact, I remember in elementary school, I got a D or an F on some sort of assignment, probably a coloring one because I couldn't stay inside the lines for the life of me, and as I walked out of the building towards my mother, I showed her the grade, and before she could say ANYTHING at all, i bursted into tears. All the way home i cried. My mother wasn't in the slightest bit dissappointed in me at all, she never was the type to belittle me when I failed at any thing, though they were rare occassions. The point is, in my lost and confused state, I became complascent with being average and being just like everybody else. I was never like anybody else, and though it made me uncomfortable, it essentially made me who i was. Now, I was thrust into a world on my own, where I chose to surround myself with people who looked like me, and acted the way i thought I wanted to act, the result being, I was okay with being just like them. So, is this the point when I look back and say, "well although i consider freshman year a failure, I can say its a type of blessing now, because I've found myself and I've found the problem." But for some reason when i say all that i can't help but think that its nothing but a cop out and i dont feel any better than before. If i could count the number of times I have said I wish i could turn back time, and do this all over again, I'd be counting for days. Thats human nature after all, to make mistakes and to look back upon them wishing you would have done things just a slight bit differently, approached the situation at a different angle, or just flat out avoided the whole shebang. I think freshman year, and all of its mistakes will be with me for a REALLY long time. The anxiety i'll feel as i wait for my acceptance or rejection letters from various medical schools around the country, or even around the world will be due majorly to my freshman year and my performance. I do believe I can bounce back. As long as i stay focused, and don't let the little things distract me like they did this year. SELF CONTROL is my new favorite phrase, if that even counts as a phrase. I've been exercising it when it comes to sex, so why can't i when it comes to going out on the weekends. To be honest, there arent many weekends that i've spent at BC that i remember vividly, they all sort of just blend together. So.....what was the point? Of course I need to have fun here and there, but honestly, your girl needs legit 4.0s every semester from now on. I may fall off once or twice (realistically speaking) BUT, i WILL get into med school 3 years from now, and I WILL be a doctor. If im not saving lives in the future i better bed dead or in a coma, because that's the only way it'll be acceptable.

SPEAKING of the future. I have also noticed that too much of my PRESENT is prioritized upon making my future the way I envision it. Crazy right, your probably thinking this bitch doesn't know what she wants. But...i do.  Let me explain what i mean. I meet a boy, he's cute, but then my mind automatically goes to, "is he marriage material". IM CRAZY. like....are you serious? Im 19 years old, and I'm thinking of the type of man i want my future husband to be. Of course in normal in teenage girls but come on now. EVERY GUY? geesh. My friends are all cool with just talking to a guy and jus having it be that, most of them are anyway, yet im sitting here like, If i were to get serious with this one, my life would suck because he's this kind of person and I wont have a good marriage. Like really though? i mean i guess its good because i weed out a lot of the bad seeds but along the way im terribly lonely. There are nights where i just wish I had somebody to call, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, so my heart can skip beats as i fall asleep. There are days when i wish  i had somebody to go see, somebody who i could just lay there with without saying a word, knowing that no words are necessary because the energy between us is enough. Ok so now im getting mushy, but honestly thats what I want. And i do realize that you don't always get what you want, DUH. im almost 19 years old, i figured that out when i didnt get the pink barbie car when i was like 7. The thing is, I know that i will have it, one day. Im just not a very patient person. I'm not one to base my happiness upon my interaction with others, that is, im not one to admit that is the case much of the time. But behind my strong independant woman, i dont need a man to make me feel good, i'm good by myself, he aint shit, persona....there is the girl or, AHEM, woman who honeslty wouldnt mind some TLC from someone who wants to give it to me for all the right reasons. I dont think that's too much to ask for, it just might be too much to ask for, immediately. I guess i'll wait?...