When you know you love him

For Evan. My Inspiration.

Chaos.

Most avoid it, but often times you have to run into it, head on, in order to find true happiness. Within the chaos of life are bight shining rays of light which encompass the most important things this world has to offer. Within chaos are the most mystically magical feelings on this planet. The feelings that cannot be fathomed or described with words. Only felt and contained within our souls for us to feel every second of everyday. That feeling, those emoitions evoked by those feelings, and all of the millions of the tiny little fragments of life that have never seemed to find a way to come together, finally like a perfect puzzle, make you complete. 

Love. Is the most beautiful chaos there is. Stepping into the warm inviting rays of this entity after the long hard battle that is typicall of a chaotic setting, your mind, body, and soul fall into a sea of emotions filled with all the meanings of your life. Suddenly, you can catch those oh so desired glimpses into your future, and with such conviction you anticipate the day in which that particular vision will become a reality. 

Security. Suddenly you feel okay, like everything will be alright. You let your life be, and go with your instincts.  You pay attention to all the writings on the wall, including the finest of the fine print, and you trust that the story is and will be beautiful. 

Happiness. Your heart is the strongest its felt in years, withstanding all of the emotions that wash over it as you think about him every second, of every second, of everyday. So much so that it aches…so good…within the cavities of your body. Nothing can be done without you thinking of the reason why you can’t do what you are trying to do. You find joy in the tinest implements of life, because they remind you of him. 

Being able to give your heart to somebody willingly and earnestly, with the knowledge that they would never ever do anything to harm you, is an infinitly  better feeling than keeping it guarded within that hard shell it had been encased in for so long. 

When your eyes fall into eachother’s so often, but no matter where you are, you both get lost in the sleu of emotions spilling over with the love they create. When you communicate without speaking, or seeing one another, Simply feeling what the other is thinking and reacting to it before they can say a word…..

…A connection that is unbreakable, like a cast iron sword it slices through adversity as one cohesive system working together to ensure happiness in all of its counter parts.

Continued excitement over the fact that you always end feeling ways that you never thought or imagined you could feel before.

Appreciation. Of the magnitude of the amazing entity that is the universe. and. acknowledgment that the universe plays a part in the order of it all.

The realization that the two of you are meant to be together on every scale imagineable

THAT’S. When you know you love him.

Right now…at this moment in time.

IDon’tKnow.

Where I am.

How I feel. 

Where I fit in.

What i’m doing.

Where I’m going.

or how I’m livin’.

But i still -am-.

.strength.

“To be better than someone is to be worst than all”

“To be better than someone is to be worst than all”

How do I feel about this? Can a person be happy in life with this mentality? Can a person lead a happy and fulfilling life thinking that to be better than someone is the opposite of what most people hold to be true? I know that in life, when others around me think that they are better than me, instead of liking them, and wanting the best for them, I often times wish that something would happen to snap them back into reality.I dont necessarily mean this maliciously but I just believe that everybody needs a snap back into reality. Nobody is better than anybody, some of us are more refined in some areas than others, but nobody is better than anybody. In the end we are all the same, we are comosed of the same substances and we all came to be in the same manner…more or less. Our fundamental building blocks are the same. How can we say, or assume that we are any better than the next person. 

Humans have made it so we look for things that set us apart from others. Everyone wants to be different, and better than somebody else. We compete in all aspects of life. What for? We are all here for the same reason. To find happiness, and to maintain it because nobody has been happy their whole lives. Happiness is like an abusive and unstable relationship. On and off, and the funny thing about it is that it has to be that way in order for it to exist. That’s crazy. If we didn’t have to feel the torment our emotions and states of beings go through when we are taken out of being happy and move towards experiencing some other less desireable emotion.

Pretty much what I am saying is that, we spend our whole lives trying to be better, and most of us have convinced ourselves that we have found happiness through the successes our competetive natures have reaped. But in the end we are all the same, we come to life the same way and our endings are all inevitable. We need to learn to just be, the people we are, and to accept our role in this grand schema that is life. We all are here to play a part, and each of our parts are equally as important because we are all influenced by eachother in some way shape of form…if you really think about it, we are all connected some how in this world, even if those connections are extensive and miniscule, they exist. That is enough reason to realize that we are one in the same entity as a whole. 

Stop thinking you are better than anybody. Think about what life REALLY is, and so much time won’t be spent on wishing and thinking that you are on a pedestal, and a lot of life’s trials and tribulations will seem easier to overcome because the real source of them will be revealed and more often than not, they will no longer be trials and tribulations. Our worries about how others view us will not seem like anything worth worrying about, for many reasons than one. The most prominent reason being that the true meaning and essence of life centers around us all being the same, and realizing that we can be different while still being the same, but being different doesn’t set us apart the ways in which we have made it so. Being different sets us apart merely for consistency. IF you are going to separate a whole entitiy (humanity) that separation alone means that each separate piece is one in its own, that it. We are not beter or wosre than anybody. We just are. 

Being Alone

I love being alone.
With my thoughts, myself, my imagination, and my dreams. My mind is the only place I can express myself freely with no modifications...Why wouldn't I be in love with being alone. I value time alone more than I value a lot of other things in life. Working through my emotions on my own has given me the opportunity countless times in life to understand who I am, each time didnt lead to full understanding but it was a piece towards understanding and knowing myself. Opening up your mind when you are alone and just letting it wander and think of things from different perspecties and angles is incredible. Those who don't enjoy being alone just don't know how to do it properly.

.Know yourself.

"the world always reflects back to us what we embody"


Striving to become the person I know I will become has not always been an easy task. In a world where so much is happening, its so easy to ignore yourself. As infants we are born with an egocentric view of the world, but it doesn't last too long. As we grow older, we learn that the world is not just as we see it, and things do in fact exist outside of the realm of our five sense and the ways in which we interact with things. This is necessary for survival. In order fo us to survive, we need to learn that there are things outside of us, but in doing so, some of us lose ourselves forever. Some of us become so preoccupied with the world around us that we forget that we are a being within this world.


How many times have you stopped and thought about who you really are? How many times have you asked yourself who the hell am I? or What the hell am I? The simple answer of human being does not even begin to come close to being the answer necessary in order to live in this world effectively while knowing your purpose as the same it.


It is important for us to set time aside each day to really explore ourselves and get to know the extraordinary concept that we are. Not just personality, but every component that makes us who we are from our thoughts to acknowledging the fact that within us, there are millions of things working together to make us who we are, and to keep us -alive-. The blood that washes all over our body, giving life to the tissues that compose the structure that eventually makes us whole. The breath that allows us to connect to others before and after us. As we breathe in the air of others and breathe it out allowing them to breathe ours in, the air we breathe is recycled, we are all connected. 


Being intune with yourself, not neglecting yourself due to distractons leads to higher understanding of the issues that come about due to those distractions that could potenitally lead you astray from youruself. How can we expect life to go the way we want it to if we don't know ourselves?


Appreciation of ourselves, our human capabilities, the things that set us apart and the things that unite us with others undoubtdely will lead to great love for oneself, awe that we exist and gratitude that we exist. Our purpose, although it may be occluded and cloudy will be made clear, and the road towards fulfilling that purpose will eventually seem straighter. Pay attention to yourself, at all times. Learn to distinguish between wants and desires and what you yourself needs because wants and desires are false portrayals of need and can further lead us away from understanding and being one with ourselves. They add fuel to the fire of ignorance and we are unable to live out our lives to its full potential. I believe everyone on this earth has the ability to be happy in life and  understand its purpose and their own individual purpose on this earth, so long as they understand that just being, and listening to themselves, the awe of their existance, and subseqently the awe of what exists around them. Life is incredible, and all the different roads and pathways we could take during our existance are proof of what we are capable of and what can be achieved pending our ability and our deisre to know ourselves.

::Tugging::.

Unconventional lovers.
...met in an unfamiliar familiar place.
unusual circumstances and smoothly sailing ridiculous plans
it was meant to be. Why else would they be in this random place with all of these random people at the same time in that moment in time?

Consistancy is consistent with them.
Always there, even after a long time.
Receptions... always begrudgingly welcome
smiles, kisses, hot drunk sex...one time.

its been some time now, and he's still here knocking at my door.
I peeked my head out and met him with that usual smile
Welcoming him, but keeping him at arms length at the same time.
I had to interrogate him for awhile, couldn't just let him into my house.
What do you really want?...real question is why am I so scared...we're the workings of a brilliant entity, complementing eachother in every single way...

I am old enough..

I am old enough to know now that good things come to those who wait.
I am old enough to know now that long roads usually have good things at the end.
I am old enough to know that effort brings success.
I am old enough to know that hard work pays off.
I am old enough to know that <> us valuable and precious, you can't get it back.
I am old enough to realize that the endless capabilities of the human race will be the end of the human race.
I am optamistic enough to think that one less fallen victim to the blinding and dangerous effects of these capabilities slows down the process.
I am old enough now to realize that just because you can doesnt mean you should.
I am old enough now to realize that because you should, you can.

Pretty basic. I guess you could say I was aware of all these things, but haven't been able to truly appreciate them for what they are yet. I am old enough now to realize that just because you think you know doesn't mean you do.