.Its been a year.

Wow. Today is February 14th. Besides it being the obvious..., yes, it is valentine's day, something more monumental is signified by this date. I have been celibate for a year. The last time I had sex was a year ago....Now those that know me know that for a freak like me, this was not an easy feat. A full year....WOW.


Last year around this time I was into the full swing of the second semester of my freshman year in college. Being wreckless was normal behavior. I had broken up with my boyfriend of two years the summer before freshman year and I was looking to have all aspects of the college experience. I started to lose myself, and before I knew it I was doing and saying things I said I would never do or say.


People always ask me why I decided to be celibate and  alot of the time I just give them a generic answer because I never felt like going into detail about it. But honestly, its because I'm not that kind of girl. Not to say anything against girls who have casual sex, or sex with someone they just merely like, I'm just not wired that way. I need to have commitment, and strong feelings, as well as trust before I can effectively have sex with somebody. Translation: I need to be in a committed relatinship. I realize that I'm in college and part of being in college means that you have fun and do things that you probably won't be able to do after you graduate and that you were never able to do prior. But, I choose to exclude myself from the casual fuck club lol . I never feel good about myself afterwards, and I always think of it as a waste of time.I don't like feeling like shit for anybody, and if I have sex with somebody one day and I see him mackin on another girl at a party the next day, I feel angry, ashamed, lonely, & not worthy & I'm not afraid to admit it.... So, why put myself in that position? I refuse to let anybody make me feel that way for 10-15 minutes of enjoyment. 


A nut last 10-15 seconds, not to be explicit but....i mean on average that's how long it lasts! So, why oh why would I engage in that type of behavior with a man who cares nothing about me, nothing about my beauty, my intelligence, and all the other qualities that are components of me. Its not worth it to me. To me, sex is overrated when its not with somebody you care about and who cares about you. 


Girls want to sit there and say they don't care, "you just have to think like a nigga" who are you kidding? You care, that's how we were built. You feel. You just choose to not feel. That's why everyone stays fuckin with those people who repeatedly do them wrong, or dudes who they've seen do other people wrong, and pretend to not care when they are pushed aside. You care. Of course you care, and maybe you are a stronger woman than me because you can repeatedly deal with those tiny blows at your emotions. You got that... As for me, my emotions are secure I'm okay with being by myself...


People ask me since its been a year, when I plan on having sex again...and My answer to them is that on this day one year ago I set a goal for myself and I achieved it. I plan on continuing this current pattern because its been a year, but I'm still single, and I've yet to find someone who is worth it, so I will be celibate until then. I will not have sex unless it is worth it, and it takes a lot for it to be worth it. It'll be hard but I've come this far, why quit now? I have a good head on my shoulders, my judgement is never clouded, and I can weed out the bad seeds real quick, once I pull the celibacy card they head for the hills...and I just laugh and smile to myself, like 'you weren't worth my time anyways". I've got my shit together, and I know what I want/need/deserve. I am a strong woman, and I refuse to shed this persona for anybody. I will continue to be strong and do what is best for me...and when that right person comes along, it'll all be worth it. Patience is a virtue. :)